A lot of people go into relationships so fast it is usually difficult for them to realise what they are
getting themselves into. Often, realisation dawns after the fact that they have hitched their
wagon to a wrecking train. Hurried relationships or courtships more often than not run into
trouble at some point in the journey. The reason for this is varied as is human nature. The fact
of uniqueness in attributes of each individual means accomodation and allowance must be
made for individual idiosyncrasies. Compromise is often key in most instances. The greatest area of difficulty in building a loving relationship between couples is in being able
to subjugate and subordinate individual nuances for the goal of harmony in the union. Most
come into the union with preconceived notions arising from their backgrounds. Courtship is
usually the period to iron out areas of friction, a time to know the dos and don’ts, when proper
structures are put in place to safeguard against problems down the line. Problems that couples tend to contend with in budding and established relationships range
from communication issues, finances, career, raising children, handling the extended family, relating with friends, and attitudinal and upbringing issues. Of all the challenges couples
contend with the unbridled tongue is one of the greatest deal breakers. So many couples have
broken the bond because of the inability to manage how one or both talk to each other. Talking
at or down at one’s spouse is a decidedly unwholesome behaviour that does not commend
itself to commendation. This is an area of serious conflict because it shows a lack of respect
for one’s spouse and an intolerance of the opinions of the other significant person in the
relationship. The common feeling is to ascribe this sort of behaviour to women but it is becoming an
increasingly prevalent attitude among both sexes. Men are equally guilty of nagging, maybe
even more so than women, given extenuating circumstances prevailing around relationships
these days. Domestic violence is often attributed to men but it is increasingly clear that the root
of this phenomenon is the attitude of women. Women themselves have been known to abuse
their husbands both physically and psychologically. Where men engage in the abuse, more often
than not women instigate them to it. Discussions often center on the behaviour of men but fail
to highlight behaviour required of women to avert abuse. The need to balance what the causes
of domestic violence are and which of the partners in a marriage is more guilty of it is an
ongoing discourse. Societal pressure makes people to react to situations differently. Whereas some of a calm
disposition will take a measured and considerate approach to issues, others of a more
rumbustious nature will react cantankerously given the same set of circumstances. Psychological disposition is key here.
According to the Reverend J. S. Owoeye of the Gospel Mandate Ministry, understanding truths
about nagging will help couples manage, deal with and cope with the phenomenon. In the
lexicon, to nag means to find fault incessantly, to be a persistent source of annoyance or
distraction. It also means to irritate by constant scolding or urging. A nag is one who complains
habitually. A nagging spouse does not request but makes demands. There are various reasons why spouses nag each other. These reasons range from cohabiting
issues, to economic/financial and social issues. Being essentially individual in nature, humans
are forced into communal living for reasons of filiality, perpetuation and security. In this context, conflicts cannot be far removed from their interactions. For spouses, by reason of familiarity as
a result of occupying the same limited space, attitudes from each spouse’s background will
tend to infringe on the relationship. Reasons to feel discontented flare up along the way due to
close proximity. Some of these reasons are:
i) FRUSTRATION. A leading cause of nagging in relationships is frustration. So many reasons
can be aduced for why couples complain to and about each other. Some go into relationships
with aspirations that get thwarted as the relationship progresses. When disillusionment sets in
nagging tends to become the fall back mechanism. Frustration arises out of some failure or the
other for which one or both partners in a relationship experience difficulty in coming to terms.
ii) TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITIES ON ONE SPOUSE. Couples sometimes experience
periods of leanness occasioned by financial difficulties. At other times, work constraints could
lead to overburdening of one spouse. Cases are where responsibilities in the home are not
properly structured such that one of the two carries an undue amount of responsibility. Being
overburdened with responsibilities often leads to nagging. The stress associated with bearing
too much or more than commensurate responsibility in a relationship can be debilitating to
mental health. Where responsibilities in the home are not properly divided and role not properly
defined quarrels will erupt and anger ensue and dovetail into nagging. This often leads to
lashing out.
iii) DIFFERENCES IN STATUS. Social stratification is a community phenomenon that is deeply
rooted in how societies have evolved over time. The desire to be included in the upper strata of
society is a continuous strive for most humans. Starting a relationship based on the
consideration of accessing the upper class and entering the crust of the wealthy and influential
is often the goal of those at a lower rung in societal class structure. A person in a hypergamous
relationship is often at a disadvantage and can have an inferiority complex. In cases like this, if
the relationship is not well grounded, trouble could boil up to the surface quite easily. Unfortunately, some people, for pecuniary reasons, get engaged to and marry into wealth, affluence and influence at the expense of peace of mind. The likelihood of the fault lines in their
relationship becoming an unbridgeable schism is high. Nagging often becomes a consequential
reaction to not measuring up to the social standard of the advantaged partner in such a
scenario.
iv) LACK OF FAITH IN THE CAPACITY OF ONE’S SPOUSE. Being with someone in a
spousal relationship is predicated on the belied in the capacity of the one you are with to fulfill
certain aspirations we have for our lives. The goal could be social elevation, spiritual growth, success in business, political gain or even simply to procreate. A failure to realise the set goals
and objectives of entering the relationship more often than not leads to frustration and
consequentially nagging. Measuring capacity in terms of deliverables almost always leads to
conflict between spouses. The one area of incapacity that is most prevalent in fractious
relationships is financial incapacity and childlessness. Not being able to fulfil financial
obligations to one’s spouse and family or not being able to have children causes serious conflict
which can lead to abuse both physical and psychological. Where the one relied upon to deliver
some intent fails, trouble erupts. One spouse may become ascerbic and vitriolic. This venting
tends to nagging.
v) INSECURITY IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Agreeing to be with someone means that one feels
secure that their interest is protected. Spouses strive to give assurance to their partners that
they have their backs no matter the circumstance. When this assurance is unattainable or fails, the tendency to nag is increased. A lack of understanding of the plight of the partner who is
unable to fulfill their obligation leads to nagging. The nagging partner reveals their frustration
through constant harping on assurances truncated. Not feeling secure in the relationship leads
to constantly making reference to the shortcomings of the partner. The inability to give solid
assurance to ones partner could make them become insecure thereby leading them to
incessantly talk down at their partner.
vi) MISCONCEPTION ABOUT THE CAPABILITY OF ONE’S SPOUSE. Most people enter
relationships with certain conceptions about what life with their partner will be. Some people
create an utopian image of themselves which is far from what their real life reality is. This
illusory deception enables them to maneuver their way into the relationship. At another level, a
person might create a perception of whom they are with which could be far from the reality. For
reasons bordering on societal approval some condition their minds as to the image they project
about their partner and their relationship to outsiders that is not reflected in reality. For both
types of deception, trouble is the end result. When the reality dawns, venting frustration at
truncated aspiration is often the consequence.
vii) COMMUNICATION ISSUES. Communication is a key issue in relationships. So many
couples simply do not know how to communicate with each other. The inability to relate
effectively is often a cause of friction in the home. Couples need to engage in a cohesive and
coherent manner. The inability to manage communication issues opens a vista of unwanted
consequences. Where couples are at variance in their understanding of contentious issues, navigating the communication divide requires maturity. Opinions can differ but compromise to
reach an amicable common ground is key. Where couples fail to resolve the difference of
opinion, shouting matches take center stage. No relationship can be peaceful without effective
communication.
The point is reached where we need to understand whether a nagging person is born or made. As earlier alluded to, background is an important marker of how individuals turn out in life. Kwasi Baako writes that one’s background and history impacts their personality, character, beliefs, opinions and atimes mood unbeknownst to them. He says further that most people
think they are in control all the time being unaware that there are bigger powers at play. The
variables that influence the thought process of people and condition them to behave in certain
ways, under certain conditions vary by individuals. Being in control of one’s emotions at
significant moments and times is a critical attribute to have. Growing and developing in certain environments influences the nature and direction of the
individual. In most cases, growing up in a cantakerous environment will most likely influence the
person one turns out to be. Parents who are quarrelsome and uncouth will, in all likelihood, breed children who mirror their lifestyle and nature. Attitudes formed from childhood are often
difficult to shake off. Then again, life experiences may contrive to shape or reshape the
individual. A person of a calm disposition and reasonableness may encounter situations that
completely alter who they really are. It all boils down to the capacity to adapt and be resilient in
dire times. While it is a given that every individual comes with a genealogical make up which can be a
lifelong attribute, it is also clear that personal attributes can be changed and/or altered along
the way on the journey of life. Contact with people leads to alterations in worldview and
orientation. Invariably, a person can be a nag by reason of genes but can make a change for the
better through contact with people. Conversely, a person can become a nag by a reversal in their
situation and circumstances. Ultimately, the environment has a great influence on how everyone
turns out. Nagging in spousal relationships is associated with some dangers. The Reverend Dr. J. S. Owoeye posits that:
a) nagging leads to grudging acquiescence and acceptance by which the one being nagged
feels controlled but, in spite of not liking the controlling, does as told in order to put a stop to the
nagging;
b) nagging focuses on failure, weaknesses, fault finding and omission while forgetting what has
been done correctly;
c) it can be negative reinforcement where the nagging partner punishes with nagging with the
aim of getting compliance to their wish and the one nagged responding verbally or otherwise by
deciding to comply only when the nagging stops; and
d) nagging hardly ever brings about change of attitude but mostly leads to resentment, tuning
out the nagging and not paying attention to the nagging partner. Dealing with a nagging spouse is quite challenging and complicated on both the physical and
psychological levels. It takes an enormous amount of self control, will power and grace to resist
responding to nagging. Titus 2:2-3 urges temperance in attitude for everyone. In dealing with a
nagging spouse, temperance and self control are key. The following can help spouses to deal
with the spirit of nagging:
a) Try to always see the good that your partner does, talk about it and appreciate them for every
effort;
b) Resist the need to second guess your partner’s intentions, do not assume your partner knows
what you want, state in clear terms as a request not a demand what you want done because
good communication is a major therapy for nagging;
c) Avoid using controlling behaviour but allow for discussion even if you are the more well off
partner;
d) Be a listener;
e) Leave the scene when it starts to become volatile as absence often calms things down for
cool heads to reflect;
f) Do not be hasty to draw conclusions but allow your partner to respond to what you blame
them for;
g) Look out for the conducive and mutually good time to converse about burning issues and be
sure to simmer down before opening discussions on thorny issues; and
h) Take time to pray for your spouse, love them unconditionally, be understanding of their
failings and struggles and show them kindness always. The Christian spouse is a transformed spouse, a believer in Christ Jesus and one that is
different in attitude and behaviour to others. By nature, the Christian man and woman are spirit
filled, spirit controlled and transformed in nature and temperament. On issues others ragingly
complain he/she will explain in humility; when others are nagging impatiently, the Christian is
patient, understanding and enduring with their partner. Conclusively, nagging is a negative attribute. It is a problem and not a solution unlike what some
are wont to think. No one is immune to being a nag on occasion, not even the Christian. As
brother Paul states in 1Corinthians 9:27, it behoves everyone, Christian or not, to subject the
natural inclination to nag. This is more so for the Christian in order not to bring the gospel of
Jesus to oppobrium and shame. Times will be when the natural self will seek to impose itself to
go against Godly ordinance of temperance and self control. At this critical times, the power of
the Holy Spirit helps to put under subjection the inate desire to be unruly, despicable and
uncouth. Self control is a very important and cardinal Christian virtue (Proverbs 16:32). May God
help us to exhibit this vitally important attribute of Christian living in our homes.
