By Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel
1 December, 2024.
What is the true value of friendship? Most people assume that once you have known someone all your life, been classmates for sometime, worked in close proximity, lived and grew up in the same neighbourhood, been colleagues at work and worship together regularly in the same place of worship you are friends. This is an erroneous belief. Friendship is a much deeper and more sacrosanct association than mere acquaintanceship.
Proverbs 18:24 says “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”. This scripture showcases the many sides of friendship. There is the Rehoboam kind of friendship that leads to ruination and there is the one between David and Jonathan. In the Rehoboam example, as captured in 1 Kings 12, he was misled by his friends from childhood. The story of Jonathan and David was one of mutual love and respect even in the face of antagonism from Jonathan’s father, King Saul. The two examples cited give us a glimpse of the multi sided nature of friendship. It is either a positive or a negative influence.
In deciding to become friends with another person a lot of things need to be put into consideration. Do you have commonality of interests? Could background be an influence on your relationship? Do you take into account social status, privilege, wealth, educational attainment and professional and occupational standing? Does race, religion and ethnicity make any difference? These things, while not supposed to be important in being friends, often play out in real life. Some reasons can be adduced for having difficulty in making friends. These include:
a) PERSONALITY:- A person’s personality can determine how friendly he l/she can be. Hippocrates, Greek philosopher and physician, named the four personality types after specific body fluids as Choleric, Melancholic, Phlegmatic and Sanguine. Jason Darby also describes five personality types to broadly include Openness, Conscientiousness, Agreeableness, Extraversion and Neuroticism. These psychologists, physicians and philosophers make clear that individual personality traits determine how well they relate with others.
b) SOCIAL STATUS:- Standing in society also has a big influence on how we relate. Depending on the social system, wealth, riches and influence often play a role in determining who one becomes friendly with. It is often the case that people who grow up together often drift apart as soon as their economic situation changes. In some cases this does not affect the relationship but the observation is more that changed circumstances affect friendship.
c) UPBRINGING AND BACKGROUND:- Without doubt parents have a big influence on how most people relate with the people around them. Where parents are not open to outsiders children tend to grow up reticent about making friends.
d) RELIGIOUS INCLINATION:- Religious beliefs differ and with this difference we find that a lot of pressure is put on social relationships. People are likely to be less friendly or in get into deep association with others of a different religion. More often than not the relationship is peripheral and not deeply affectionate.
e) LANGUAGE:- Communication is a basic necessity for friendship. Where communication through a common tongue is difficult forming a strong friendship can be hard. Language may not deter friendship but it is an inhibition none the less.
f) FINANCES:- Where the financial capacity is unbalanced friendship more often than not suffers. There is the side of the advantaged friend who may feel pressured due to having to bear his friend’s financial burdens and on the flip side is the poor or financially exposed person who has an inferiority complex as a result of his financial straits. Financial imbalance is a deprecation on friendship.
g) OCCUPATION:- Occupational reasons often constrains friendships. At some point, work and job pressure may limit the capacity to remain focused on friends. Lack of time due to work pressure is a destroyer of friendship.
h) MARRIAGE:- Most people often find that after marriage they have little time to remain in certain relationships. As the family grows focus shifts to the running of the home to the detriment of other significant persons in one’s life.
In spite of the foregoing, friendship is a valuable commodity to have. Spatially, men are not designed to live solitary lives. We are social in nature and the proximity to others of our kind is what we thrive on. Invariably, relationships of every kind help to nurture the person and enriches society. This is especially so at certain points in the lives of individuals who make up the society. Men celebrate milestones, conquests, achievements and attainments together; they grieve together, go through illness and I’ll health together, suffer heartbreak, defeat and loss together. Everything that surrounds man is designed to keep him stable in the company of others.
Friendship is valuable because it is good for us. True friendship eschews fault lines like race, religion, ethnicity class consciousness and bigotry. It has no room for masochism, misogyny or betrayal. Fraternity is a code of friendship that was established from the time of David and Jonathan and that fraternal spirit still drives true and valuable friendship. In true friendship code, the relationship must add value to the lives of those in it. They make way for one another in business, at work and in the corridors of power. The value of friendship is seen in how well friends lift one another in the journey through life. Where this is not the case, the friendship lacks value and should be discontinued.
The value of long association with people is more pronounced when old age is beginning to set in or is upon us. In old age, life becomes a symphony of ironies that can best be enjoyed or endured with the ones we grew up knowing or a spouse one has spent a significant portion of one’s life with. Sarina Elder writes that “Sharing memories and vulnerability is an important key to true friendship”. Life leaves most of us vulnerable to its vicissitudes but with true friends around we can weather the storms. Arlin Cuncic lists six benefits of remaining in a valuable friendship:
i) friends are good for your physical health;
ii) friends encourage healthy behaviour;
iii) friends provide emotional support;
iv) friends help build your confidence;
v) friends help you beat stress; and
vi) friends help you cultivate community.
Additionally, friends help push you to be your best.
Friendship is a tool of social support that is a vital fulcrum of societal harmony. Sadly, people appear to be living increasingly isolated and individualistic lives to the detriment of their mental health. Loneliness is a leading cause of psychological and mental health challenges to people of this generation. Communal spirit, camaraderie and consensualism have receded because of the increased reliance on Information Technology tools which of necessity and by nature encourages reclusive living. Friendship has become virtual as people have become accustomed to living disconnected lives, connecting on monitors from far flung and out of reach places. While the advantages of Information Technology cannot be argued, its destruction of quality friendship can also not be ignored.
Keeping valuable and true friends irrespective of distance, barrier or distraction is important for societal development and growth. The value of friendship is captured in the kinds of values that are imparted in the psyche of the next generation. Where people exhibit the good sides of friendship in the presence of children and neophytes the society tends to benefit. Proverbs 18:24 encapsulates the very essence of the spirit of friendship and friendliness, of love and caring. “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother”. The one person recorded in the bible and by historical evidence to have done this is Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour. He is the friend that sticks closer than a brother. Those who have made Him their friend have found Him to be a companion who never lets them down and that is the true essence of friendship: one that does not let you down no matter what your situation or the circumstances that surround you say. That is the true and valuable friend.
