Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel
22 February, 2025
It has become something of a cliche to say respect is reciprocal. Yet, in virtually every human interaction, the prime place of respect cannot be overemphasised. Respect is a feeling of high regard or esteem for someone or something. It can also mean to treat someone or something with considerstion or deference (AI). Respect also means accepting someone for who they are and the view they hold even when we don’t agree with them.
Humans mostly thrive where they are appreciated and so gaining the respect, admiration and regard of the significant people in one’s life like colleagues, friends, parents, siblings and, especially, spouses is a validation that one truly belongs in the group. Attaining this level of esteem however requires work. It is not enough to demand respect, it is paramount to earn it and deserve it. Any feeling of entitlement with regards to appropriating the respect of those around us must be subordinated to the obligation of actually deserving to be respected.
Marriage, just like other spheres of human social interaction and intercourse, requires certain ingredients for it to work. There is the place of affection as there is for financial capacity; there is the place for emotional connection as there is for physical attraction; there is the place of family ties as there is for exclusivity and aloneness. Also of vital importance is mutual understanding and respect.
For any marital relationship to succeed, the foregoing and other important elements must be at play. Scripture recognises the prime place of mutual respect between married couples which is why it is replete with admontions to this effect.
a) Ephesians 5:22-33 teaches that husband’s must lead the home (vs 23), be willing to lay their lives down to protect the home (vs 25) and love their wives as they love themselves as their wives accord them maximum respect(vs 33).
b) Proverbs 31:10-11 teaches that a virtuous woman is more precious than rubies.
c) Colossians 3:18 speaks about the requirement of women to be submissive to their husbands as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.
d) 1 Peter3:7 admonishes husbands to be understanding to their wives and should honour them as the weaker vessels.
e) 1 Corinthians 7:3 talks about the right of wives to the bodies of their husbands in conjugal bliss.
All of these go to emphasised the centrality of mutual respect between couples in a marriage and the importance that God attaches to its place in Godly marriages. Grady Shumway wrote that “To put it simply, mutual respect is a two way street where each person in the relationship values, acknowledges and considers the feelings and opinions of the other person. This mutual respect definition sets the foundation for a healthy and thriving relationship where both partners feel valued and heard”. It is not enough to claim respect from one’s spouse on the basis of entitlement. Respect must be reciprocated. This is a crucial part of being married because once respect for each other is lost, the very foundations of the marriage become shaky. Partners must develop the habit of listening to each other, heeding the other’s worthy advise and taking cognisance of their partner’s opinion on matters that concern them both.
But how can we recognise mutual respect between spouses?
One of the first signs of mutual respect is being attentive and communicative. The very firmest foundation of relational interaction is communication. Being able to effectively communicate with one’s partner bridges a huge gap and allows both to be open about their feelings as they relate to organising the home. Dr. Amelia Reigstad, faculty at the University of Minnesota, postulates that communication in the home is critical in the way we relate with our spouses, our children and how we organize the home, and is a significant cog in family bonding. Correlated to this is being able to really be attentive. This goes beyond listening to being able to understand the minutest details of the interactions with one’s partner. Held in tandem, attentiveness and communication help greatly to increase the esteem with which partners hold each other. Knowing that one’s partner is available to talk things over with, generate feedback from and device meaningful plans with is an assurance like no other in marriage.
Another characteristic of respect between spouses is having the room to be expressive. For this to work, partners must afford each other space to explore. Exploration in this regard speaks to the inherent capability imbued in each individual to accomplish certain tasks. Respecting the individuality of one’s partner and their innate capability to thrive if not hindered because of the relationship is a big help to earning one’s partner’s respect.
Delving further into this, Laura Richer, a Seattle Therapist, wrote in the Anchor Light Couple and Family Therapy Journal that “There are many basic ways to show your partner you care for them and demonstrate respectful behaviour”. She lists the ways to include:
1) VALIDATION:- This means really listening and expressing to your partner that you hear, understand and empathize with their experience which demonstrates that you see them and all they have to contend with.
2) FEELINGS AND NEEDS:- Talk about your feelings. You can show love and respect by valuing both the similarities and differences between you and your partner.
3) GIVE SPACE:- Respect means creating space for your partner to feel safe to explore and accommodate their own individual interests within the relationship.
4) SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT:- Encourage your partner to be free to explore their interests based on the capabilities they have and to live their best life.
5) BE HONEST:- The basis of trust is honesty in all things and trust gives rise to respect.
6) COMPROMISE WHERE AND WHEN EXPEDIENT:- Marriage is about compromising certain ideals. Holding tenaciously to long held notions may not be healthy in every situation. Giving way where it is helpful to one’s partner makes for a healthy marriage.
7) BOUNDARIES:- Boundaries help to curtail excesses of exhuberance. Where these boundaries are clearly defined, respecting them keeps both partners well grounded.
8) BE AFFECTIONATE:- Sharing affection and keeping up the passion is very vital for the health of the relationship. Displays of affection, especially public displays, enables mutual respect to develop and grow.
9) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS:- Some people tend to hold their partners to unrealistic standards. Some use other people’s relationships as a measure of their own. This is unfair and a sure reason to lose the respect of one’s partner.
10) RESPECT YOURSELF FIRST:- This sounds trite but it is actually a failing of a lot of people in marriages. Having self respect means one is capable and actively leading their individual life separate but in tandem with their partner. Even in a dependent situation one can still have self respect which would lead to one’s partner being respectful of one’s efforts.
Jackman says that “Mutual respect builds a positive relationship by creating a foundation of trust, honesty and understanding. Respect helps partners communicate effectively and work together to resolve conflicts in a more positive and productive manner”. No marriage is perfect and totally devoid of conflict. If the marriage is to succeed, partners must realise the prime place of respect in their relationship. Compromise, equality in decision making, support for each other’s aspirations, trust, splitting responsibilities, taking responsibility for wrongdoing and apologising, being grateful and showing appreciation, being constructive in criticism, not making each other a public spectacle and an object of derision and celebrating each other’s accomplishments, all these enable the mutuality of respect to grow. For family life to be stable and thriving, mutual respect must reign in the home. Even between parents and children it is not out of place to accord each other reciprocal respect.
It must be emphasised over and again that respecting one’s partner increases the probability of such behaviour rubbing off on the children. What children see their parents do, the kind of behaviour parents exhibit in the presence of children is most likely how the children will turn out. As marriage is not just about the parents alone it stands to reason to expect the entire gamut of relational interactions within the unit to to be the pattern that runs through every segment of it. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way that he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it”. Failure by parents to exhibit correct behaviour in the presence of children, which is more prevalent attitude in our time, is reason why society has so many antisocial behaviours to contend with at the moment. Paying careful heed to respectful behaviour towards one’s spouse helps the children to develop in the right direction themselves. Invariably, mutual respect is a mutually inclusive and beneficial component of behaviour beneficial not just to spouses but to their children and society at large.
