By Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel
July 31st, 2024.
Proverbs 18:22. Who so findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord (KJV). A poignant verse which gives us an indication of the prime place of marriage in the plan of God for the earth. People generally make connections through various means in the human community. Relationships are formed for different purposes such as business, politics, training and all such. Crucial to man in his elements is organizing society in a manner that allows him to thrive and prosper.
Making the choice of a partner to make life’s journey with is a crucial decision for any young person. Every young person must pass through this most critical point to becoming an adult. A mistake at this point could be life altering. It is important for the young adult to have the right support cast to help them successfully navigate this crucial period. The process involves so many intricacies and requires the young people to watch with care in prayer before moving forward.
From Abraham we learn the necessity and importance of parents in the process of choosing a life partner. Today, children no longer feel the need for parental guidance and input in making the choice, yet this is vitally important. Abraham made the choice for Isaac based on the fact that the community they were living in was a debauched one. While this may not be applicable in today’s world, it is an important task for parents to properly guide their children when it comes to picking a partner. Here, the relationship between parents and their children is important. A relationship of trust must be cultivated in order for the children to be comfortable enough to discuss intimate issues with their parents.
What then are the crucial attributes that young people ought to have before considering marriage? Getting married goes beyond the wedding ceremony and the merriment. It transcends just passion and erotic feelings. It even goes beyond having children. This is the mistake so many aspiring couples make in the courtship stage. They equate physical feelings to love when even love is not enough to sustain marriage. In the process of choosing a life partner certain standards must not be compromised. Any couple that will make a success of marriage must have certain qualities.
i) MATURITY:- To consider getting married one must be developed all round. The development of the mind, intellect and spirituality are sacrosanct. Maturity enables one to be able to carefully and patiently confront challenges without losing focus. Maturity, according to Silvia Smith, is the ability of a person to respond to their partner and commit to loving them unconditionally despite the obstacles. This assertion recognises that every relationship faces obstacles and challenges but with maturity couples can surmount those challenges together. Maturity is not by physique, not by money in the bank or the ability to be a parent. It is about knowing that marriage is a partnership that twines two people of divergent upbringings willing to compromise in certain essential circumstances for the success of the union. Smith concludes that maturity can help promote a happy and healthy relationship.
ii) SELF CONTROL:– A person without self control is not ready for marriage. The inability to control emotional outbursts, anger, spending, sexual urge, unguarded communications and all such inadequacies in one’s make up marks one out as lacking self control. Proverbs 25:28 let’s us know that lack of self control can break relationships. Self control helps one to make sacrifices for one’s partner. To choose whom to marry, the intending must be self controlled and seek to find same in their intended. A marriage without self control leads to bickering. It is essential to watch out for signs of lack of self restraint in order not to end up in a bitter relationship or marriage. Elizabeth Badejo, writing in THE PUNCH, says that “marriage can only flourish when couples have a good understanding of who they are and their own purpose in life primarily and their goals for their marriage after”. Finding purpose and staying focused is a solid preparation for married life. A choice that fails to take this into account will most likely lead to a failed relationship or marriage.
iii) FINANCIAL STABILITY:– Not to be joked with is the means of livelihood of one’s partner. Even in the bygone days of subsistence economy the choice of whom to marry is usually predicated on what both parties bring to the table. While the bible encourages the man to be responsible for the upkeep of his household, it recognises the need for the wife to complement the husband. Been financially responsible is an attribute that one making a choice of whom to marry must watch out for. Financial discipline does not equate to stinginess. Deciphering that one’s choice of partner is financially coordinated gives one the assurance that managing the home life will be easy. Having a structure when it comes to spending allows partners to build trust in their relationship and make acheivable plans. Synovus lists, as part of their tips for household budgeting, keeping track of spending and involving each other in spending plans as a help to sustaining relationships. Any sign of financial profligacy is a red flag that must not be taken for granted.
iv) GIVING AND RECEIVING:– A loving relationship that lacks giving is likely to be lifeless. Giving in a relationship involves far more than monetary value. It extends to having time for each other, being able to be there for each other in times of need or crisis, taking up responsibility where necessary and needed and being a shoulder to lean on when spirits are lagging. Fledgeling couples must watch for this important trait. Elisabetta Franzoso says that a lack of balance between giving and receiving is a leading cause of breakdown in marriages. She goes further to make a distinction between the types of relationships: one between a superior and an inferior such as between parents and their children; and one between equals such as between a man and a woman who become husband and wife. Noala Donald Walsch posits also that “The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness”. Couples must get to a point in their relationships where they can find a balance, a point of equilibrium for giving and receiving in the relationship. Aspiring couples must take careful heed of this attribute as a lackadaisical attitude to or from ones partner is a sure sign of problems down the line.
v) LOOK FOR YOUR FRIEND:– As the search for a partner begins, expectations are usually high as to the character of whom we desire. We have specs that are mostly utopian and somewhat unrealistic. It is commonplace for some to desire to marry into a hypergamous situation. Marrying above one’s station however almost always comes with expectations, obligations and restrictions. It is advisedly better to seek for friendship above all else in a relationship that is expected to lead to marriage. The period of courtship is one in which bonding rituals are prioritised. Couples who will be successful in marriage must have a level of connection that transcends the normal friendship. Daniel McFarland, Dan Jurafsky and Craig Rawlings posit that “initial heterosexual encounters are associated with a sense of bonding when they reflect a reciprocal assymetrical performance in which differentiated roles are mutually cordinated”. This means couples need to use the courtship period to understand each other’s roles in a system of their construction. Being able to connect as friends greatly helps aspiring couples to reach the point of such an understanding together. Talking, making plans, doing fun things together are bonding rituals that help deepen relationships.
vi) PATIENCE AND PERSEVERANCE:– Patience is a very important element to seek in the person one aspires to marry. It is, however, a two way process of reciprocal action. Starting out together, young couples must have the understanding that building a relationship requires patience to understand each other’s idiosyncrasies, to grow together, to work out their objectives in life together, to meet targets they have set for themselves and above all, to find happiness in each other. An intending must be watchful to see how their partner reacts in certain situations. Testing the waters to find answers is not a bad idea. The goal must be to find a partner who is willing to swim against the tide if need be with their partner. A decided red flag is when one partner is always fidgetting about the smallest inconvenience. Unwillingness to help out or be patient with one’s partner is a sure sign that the other is unreliable. Patience does not, however, mean foolishness. Being patient with one’s partner requires waiting for them to resolve issues relating to their eventual life together. Where it becomes obvious that the partner is incapable or unwilling to resolve those important issues, it is advised that the other leaves the relationship. Being with an unserious person is a waste of time and energy and realising this in time is essential.
vii) DO NOT IGNORE RED FLAGS:– Societal pressure often influences the decision to start a relationship or get married. This, in most cases, ends up being bad for marriages. Some couples get into a relationship based on the influence of their parents, peers and social status. Invariably, they are put under enormous pressure to sustain the relationship even when red flags start flaring up. It is usually much easier for this sort of relationship to degenerate into abuse and breakup. When one or both partners are compelled to compromise values they ordinarily should not compeomise it is time to take a good look before taking the leap. Usually, the signs show very early but at other times they may show later in the courtship or well into the marriage proper. Partners have to be very discerning in order not to fall into a trap that will be difficult to extricate themselves from. If a partner has anger issues, is not straightforward, appears unreliable, engages in risky behaviour or has family who could be a problem for the marriage, a quick assessment is required and wisdom applied going forward. For these reasons, it is not advised to rush into marriage or allow oneself be rushed into getting married . Never ignore red flags no matter how seemingly inconsequential. Never be blinded by love to red flags because when the chips are down love will not be enough.
viii) LIKES AND DISLIKES:– No two persons are the same no matter the physical resemblance. Every person has unique traits that mark them out as individuals. In effect, we differ in worldview, preferences, reaction to stimuli and capacity to be accomodating. Marrying someone means having to make allowance for their uniqueness, their idiosyncrasies and foibles. As early as possible, finding what piques one’s partner’s interest and what turns them off is essential to the health of the relationship. Most people align their interests seamlessly in certain regards but compromises and accomodations have to be made to be able to maximise the benefits of the union. Intending couples must, of necessity, know their limits while being able to be fun with each other. Areas of commonality should be sought but where these are absent then what brought them together must suffice. Things like preferences in food and drink, hobbies, extracurricular activities, belief system and doctrine as well as orientation on material goods can be deal breakers. How successfully couples navigate this determines how healthy their being together will be.
ix) COURT SOMEONE OF SAME RELIGIOUS CONVICTION:- Inter religious marriages are on the rise in the present time. Lots of them have proven successful while others hit the rocks pretty soon. The bible however admonishes not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). The greatest problem of inter faith marriages is the mixing of two belief systems and creeds. By reason of divergence the likelihood of conflict is high in such a situation. Where one partner accepts to move to their partners religion background often leads to disgruntlement. Choosing to marry outside the faith is filled with landmines that may be impossible to navigate successfully. It must be taken cognisance of that it is not only the parents that are involved. Bringing up children may lead to disagreement for obvious reasons. In effect, choosing to marry outside one’s faith is a risky venture with uncertain outcome.
CONCLUSION
Breaking a courtship is not a sin provided the reasons are genuine and irreconcilable. It is universally acknowledged that breaking a courtship is better than breaking marriage which is why care must be taken at every step of the journey.
Deciding on the person to marry is a task that must be undertaken with care and sensibly. Abraham’s servant, standing proxy for Isaac the intending groom, prayed before deciding the choice of wife for his master’s son (Genesis 24:12-15). Commencing a relationship requires fervent prayer. Marriage is a sacred institution in the plan of God. Most of the perversions associated with it in our times have come to pervert that plan. However, as Proverbs 18:22 makes clear it is an institution backed by the authority of God. Finding a partner opens doors of favour for those who recognise its potential for uplifting. According to Taylor Jensen (Fireplace Faith), Christian marriage is beneficial because it:
a) gives us a helper;
b) preaches the gospel;
c) sharpens the Christian;
d) answers our sexual needs;
e) helps us start a family;
f) helps us reflect righteousness; and
g) heals us.
A relationship based on God’s plan admits into all of these benefits. The searching and courtship period is one of seriously seeking the face of God in order to find the perfect partner. The word perfect is used with caution in this sense because the quality of perfection is a subjective one. In this context, it means the one that complements where one is weak not necessarily that they are flawless themselves. Christian youths should not be scared to start relationships. They must, however, do so with the conviction of having prayed, received mentoring and attained the required level of maturity to be able to successfully venture into a marriage bound relationship.