By Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel
10 November, 2024
Marriage is a union of two souls who have decided to commit to each other for the rest of their lives. This commitment comes with obligations and responsibilities. One of the most cardinal obligations of spouses in a marriage is to trust each other implicitly. Trust enables the relationship to grow, deepen and be lasting. To be able to deepen love, partners have the expectation that they can depend on their significant other in any situation that confronts.
For couples in a marriage or in a relationship that is expected to graduate to marriage, truthfulness is the pivotal point to begin. From the first words that come out of their mouths to each other truth must be the overriding mode of communication. Dr. Romanoff states that “Honesty is important because it allows your partner to understand your needs and gives them the opportunity to respond to them”. He adds that honesty “builds trust as being able to be yourself with your partner can deepen the trust between both of you, solidify your bond, and create intimacy in the relationship”. Honesty, trust and truthfulness are coterminous terms that go a long way in building relationships. Absence of these elements consequentially leads to soured relations in the home.
The inability to be truthful with one’s partner is caused by a combination of factors that are often traceable to upbringing, pressure, feeling of inadequacy and natural inclination. The Paul Ekman Group outlines nine reasons why people lie:
1) to avoid punishment;
2) to obtain a reward not otherwise readily obtainable;
3) to protect another person from being punished;
4) to protect oneself from the threat of physical harm;
5) to win the admiration of others;
6) to get out of an awkward social situation;
7) to avoid embarrassment;
8) to maintain privacy without notifying others of that intention; and
9) to exercise power over others by controlling the information the target has.
Doubling down on this with particular emphasis on married couples, one would be interested to know why couples would feel the need to lie to each other. Some lie because:
i) They want to avoid conflict, embarrassment or having to face the consequences of their behaviour. Some situations force a person to lie because they feel telling the truth will lead to confrontation which could get them embarrassed as a consequence of having behaved in an unacceptable manner.
ii) Of the fear of rejection or losing their spouse. Some are so fixated on the possibility of rejection that they prefer to lie their way through. The fear of rejection or even, in the extreme, losing one’s spouse is a significant factor that explains why some people lie to their partners.
iii) They have to hide something they did or did not do. Morally bankrupt people tend to find themselves in a bind where they need to spin a web of lies to conceal their sneaky behaviour. This is especially so for people who engage in promiscuous dalliances. On the flip side, failure to fulfil an obligation to one’s spouse leads some to lie.
iv) Of needing to maintain control of a situation. Certain situations come up that curtails some people’s inclination to be truthful with their spouses. They hold the erroneous belief that lies can help them maintain control of dire circumstances.
Lying to one’s spouse however has dire consequences for the relationship. In ordinary day to day activities, most people detest being lied to not to talk of a relationship as deep as the one that should exist between married couples or couples who are aspiring to get married to each other. The consequences of lying to one’s spouse go to the very root and foundation of the relationship because truthfulness is a foundational prerequisite for a stable marriage. Times of India makes us understand that “lies (no matter how big or small we perceive them to be) can ruin a relationship completely, ruining trust, understanding and faith. Lying has a negative effect on relationships and the consequences are undeniably toxic”. The article goes further to enumerate the consequential effects of lying on relationships to include:
a) constant fear of being lied to;
b) selfish actions that indicate to one’s spouse that the lying partner is not truly invested in the relationship;
c) a lack of respect poses a serious problem in the marriage that is otherwise a very essential pillar of the foundation for any relationship;
d) lies cause an imbalance in a relationship which was supposed be all about trusting and understanding each other while keeping personal preferences onboard as well;
e) causes the covering up of ever increasing lies which can ultimately lead to the end of a loyal and trustworthy marriage as a result of lying having become habitual and that now affects both the relationship and the personalities involved in a negative way which then causes irreparable damage;
f) it causes resentment and anger such that the one being lied to feels betrayed, leading to feelings that can damage the relationship; and
g) reduces openness which is a barrier to communication as the liar will have to be more guarded in their utterances in order not to give away the truth inadvertently meaning they become less willing to share their thoughts and feelings.
A lying partner poses an existential threat to the love between them and their spouse. Lying is a joy killer that causes embarrassment and disgrace to both partners at unexpected turns. Proverbs 19:9 says “A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will perish”. Psalms 101:7 equally teaches that “No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house, no one who utter lies shall continue before my eyes”. It is significant and instructive that God our Maker detests liars. It is, therefore, undeniable that we his creation will also detest lies and liars. Colossians 3:9 says “Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices”. This verse instructs us to put aside all lying as it is a part of the old self which we have put to death through our faith in Jesus Christ. This, of course, is assuming that we have received the new life in Jesus. The unregenerate person will find this difficult to do.
The bible teaches that a lying person can lose his soul. Proverbs 21:6 shows us that a lying tongue is a characteristic of them that seek death. As revealed to John the revelator, all liars shall have their part in the second death, in the lake that has fire and brimstone (Revelation 21:8). 2 Thessalonians 2:12 also teaches that believing a lie can cost men their souls. These scriptures show us that lying is a debilitation to the soul of men, a corrosion to relationships and a sure way to hell and subsequently to the Lake of Fire.
The corrosive effects of lying often leave a lasting impression and imprint on marriages and is a very advisable ground for calling off a courtship or betrothal. Lying is an important red flag that anyone in a courtship must be on guard for. A repeatedly lying person is not a worthy prospect for a spousal relationship. If God grants the discernment to figure out the lying person before marriage it is Ill advised to continue with such a person. Taking the prompt decision to break off the courtship is the advised option. But for those already in marriage, dealing with the betrayal of being lied to is more complicated. To guard against being lied to spouses can take the following steps:
i) In the first place, instinct is very important. Always listen to your instinct.
ii) Make it clear to your partner that you expect honesty in all things, at all times and in every situation no matter what the circumstances are.
iii) Listen with rapt attention to everything your partner says and try to discern truth from their words.
iv) Ask questions when in doubt about the authenticity of the information you are getting from your spouse.
v) Think deeply before responding to your spouse.
vi) Confront your spouse when you are sure you’re being lied to.
vii) As much as is possible forgive a lying spouse.
viii) Where lying is persistent make your spouse seek counselling and/or professional help.
ix) Pray for the lying spouse.
Repairing a relationship that has been fractured by lying is extremely difficult. This is as a result of the loss of trust. When trust issues creep into the relationship between spouses it takes a mighty effort to get over it. For the relationship to rebound the onus is on the lying spouse to do the following:
1) apologise sincerely and show remorse for your abject behaviour;
2) be open about your need and willingness for rehabilitation and forgiveness;
3) be honest about what happened and your desire to see it never happen again;
4) listen to your partner’s perspective on the incident(s);
5) be patient and understand that healing and retrieving trust requires time;
6) make a placatory gesture to let your partner know how contrite you are; and
7) above all, seek God’s forgiveness and ask for His grace to desist from lying.
The greatest challenge for spouses in the difficult position that lying has placed on them is the ability to find each other again. Being able to trust a lying spouse is an extremely difficult thing to do. However, with love, patience and prayer it is possible to find each other again. This is not taking away the fact that both have serious work to do to get back to their previous position. What they both need to understand is nobody is infallible. Proverbs 24:16-18 says “For a just man falleth seven times and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief . Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth: Lest the Lord see it, and it displease Him, and He turn away His wrath from Him”. What makes the man just, according to Donnie McLurkin, is that he has enough sense to realise that he can rise again. God does not delight in our falling which is why it is his good pleasure to see us rise from our fallen state.
No matter how badly your spouse hurt you with their lies and misbehaviour understand that grace is available and you are obligated to forgive when they truly repent. In so much as God looks away from our sins, we must forgive one another always. Lying is hurtful, but there is also so much else that is hurtful in this world. The liar should decide to stop lying and the lied to must make the conscious effort to help the liar to overcome their affliction. This is the true essence of godliness and humanity.
