By Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel.
14 December, 2024
Most parents have this very strong filial affection towards their children such that they end up getting easily manipulated by their errant behaviour. Some never see the need to discipline their children, allowing behaviour that should be checked as soon as it is noticed. Parenting failure begins as soon as parents give in to children when they start displaying errant behaviour from as little as six months which is the time children’s cognitive senses becomes gradually more acute. This essentially is the period when they begin to get understanding but still lack the locution to ventilate their needs with clarity. The parent is left to guess precisely what they want or need. And it is at this crucial point that they must be made to gradually understand that they cannot have all they want but will be given what they require for growth.
As children develop the senses required for survival in the world, parents must pay careful heed to their development. The mastery of parenting skills is very imperative at this stage. For first time parents this is a challenging time. Often times the exhilaration of becoming a parent obscures the reality of their changed circumstances. They need to come down from the euphoria of suddenly maturing from novices themselves to understand the responsibility that has now been thrust upon them. This was the plight of Issac and Rebecca.
Having longed for their own children but then had to wait for their for a period longer than they envisaged, they took on parenthood without adequate understanding of the need for balancing their emotions with the need to properly guide their children on the journey of life. This mistake had far reaching effects not just on their twin children but also on the children of at least Jacob the younger twin.
In Genesis 25:28, the division in the home of Isaac was described. Whereas Isaac loved Esau, Rebecca loved Jacob. And so the battle for supremacy was set. This fight for dominance, exacerbated by the favouritism sown by both Isaac and Rebecca, caused a friction that was life long, life defining and enduring till the very end of their lives and beyond. And it most likely influenced the parenting style of Jacob who was the more prominent of the twins. So, fast forwarding a few decades, Jacob as a father unravelled.
Jacobs problem as a parent came about as a result of his complicated marital odyssey. Wanting to marry one sister, he was compelled to marry the other. Not entirely satisfied with the choice that was forced on him, he had to endure a lengthy wait to have the wife of his choice, albeit the junior sister of his first wife. But having got his heart’s desire, his joy was tempered by the inability of his second wife to bare him children whereas his first and subsequent wives bore quite easily. It was no surprise that when she ultimately did give him a son the boy became the apple of his eye.
Loved by Jacob above his twelve other siblings (including the one sister, Dinah), Joseph got everything he wanted and more. This, of course, became the loose canon that tore the Jacob household apart.
The Jacob example is one that depicts good fathering but bad parenting. An object lesson for fathers in today’s world and a poignant example of how faulty fathering can destroy the fabric of cordiality and filiality in the home. Sara Lindbergh, writing in Health line, lists the attributes of bad parenting to include:
1) over or under involvement in children’s lives;
2) little or no discipline;
3) strict or rigid discipline;
4) withdrawing affection and attention; and
5) shaming one’s children in the presence of their peers and outsiders or even their siblings.
These things generally lead to a corrosive effect on parent-children relationship, especially the one between children and fathers which could make such relationships, as it were, toxic. The knock on effect could be that children become
a) entitled and unctrollable in their grasping behaviour;
b) undisciplined;
c) complexed and unsure of themselves;
d) antisocial in their behaviour and attitude;
e) unable to relate and integrate with others;
f) untrusting of parents and antagonistic to them;
g) withdrawn and reclusive; and
h) unwilling or unable to perform the most basic tasks.
At the earliest possible it is imperative that fathers set a parenting agenda for training their children. It is important that at every step of the parenting journey fathers should be as hands on as certain restrictions will permit. Fathers must be as involved as possible in the lives of their children. It is not enough to hand them over to their mother or caregivers at the most crucial points of their developing lives. The problem with so doing is that mentoring is no longer in the hands of the fathers but is now left to the mother who may be ill equipe to deal with the emotional burden of such an ardous task and to people who may not share the vision parents have for their children.
It is also expedient that fathers make friends with their children. Fathers are mostly sorely lacking in this regard. An authoritarian stance, while good in the main, has its drawbacks. Where parents, especially fathers, have only the fear factor in their relationship with their children, the children tend to be withdrawn and cringing. It is also clear that mothers tend to have the upper hand with children because the fear factor is less as they are often more open, less strict and more easily manipulated. And so, for fathers to be better parents they need to befriend their children, play with them, go on outings with them and share in their daily lives as much as possible. Letting children cuddle up to them is not a sign of weakness but a show of trustworthiness.
On another level, fathers should strive to know who their children’s friends are. Rehoboam was misled by his riotous friends most probably because his father was distracted by his many dalliances. Fathers must strive to pay careful heed and attention to the kinds of friends their children have. In most cases, it has been discovered that peers are a strong influence on children. Where children are allowed unfettered access to friends from various backgrounds a fertile ground for wrong information is given. As the head of the home, fathers must check this. In this age of social media, checking the influence of unbridled access to media platforms is very important. Asides from friends the greatest influence on the behaviour of children is from the social media. Fathers must ensure to keep children away from it for as long as practicable. The most rudimentary uses of telephony should be the only form of media interaction up to a certain stage.
Fathers have the onerous responsibility of leading by example. Whatever fathers do, how they behave and relate with their wives, friends, colleagues and relations is a pointer to children on how they should also behave. Attitudes to people, work and play are important examples that fathers must show their children. The moral behaviour of the father rubs off on the children and makes them imbibe whatever they see their father exhibits. Invariably, the father must teach his children about his faith, their ancestry, codes of behaviour, conduct and mannerisms and language and manner of speech. These are extremely important duties of a father.
As a corollary, fathers must imbue in their children a strong work ethic. It is sad to see that most affluent fathers cannot be bothered to teach their children the rudiments of dedication and commitment. This has eroded the ability of new age people to be trustworthy. A failing by fathers or their abdication of the role to their wives has meant that the moral fibre of the children have been weakened. This is not an indictment of the womenfolk but a reality check on the failure of fatherhood. Setting a fine example of an exemplar in dealings in business, occupation and work for children is a duty fathers must take seriously. When children see their father as a stand up guy they generally want to emulate such.
Fathers must strive to have a good name. A father who is ridiculed in the community is a shame to his children. One who is respected in the community is a joy and pride to his children. Fathers, being the focal persons in the household, must evince a persona of one in control, a fortress to be run to in times of trouble or doubt, a dependable ally in all situations and a formidable person. Aligned to this is the fact that the father must provide for his home. This is an important duty that the children must learn from their father. There is no doubting the fact that things may not always be easy for him but the children must see him as making strenuous effort at all times.
Fathers must serve as the priests of the home. Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it”. According to Tim Dinkins, writing in The Sentinel, “this is a warning and not a promise to parents that if they allow their children to have their own way, they will not depart from that foolishness when they are older”. Fathers must take charge of teaching their children about the way of God, the beauty of walking right and the sacredness of the place of prayer, worship and service to their God. Prioritising the word of God in the training of children must be important to fathers. In other words, the father must have the full understanding of the word of God and the operation of the faith he professes. By being the focal person for the children in matters of the faith he sets the agenda for them in how they come to understand God and His word.
On a final note, fathers must train their children to respect, love and care for their mother. By the example they set the children must see that their father is in a loving and respectful relationship with their mother. This is important because it gives perspective to children with regard to what an ideal husband-wife relationship should be. The foundation of their own lives is thereby grounded in the all round training they got from the lives their parents live in their presence.
Conclusively, fathers are the fulcrum on which a happy home is built. The father is the provider-in-chief, the teacher, the guidian, the protector, the friend and the mentor of the children and of the home. Nothing should pass without his knowledge. 2 Corinthians 3:2-3 teaches that christians must be examples of Christ to the world. In the context of the home, fathers (and mothers too) must be the perfect example to their children of the way of God and the way one should relate and behave in society. Proverbs 13:24 adds to the role of the father the duty to discipline and disciple his children. In effect, the role of the father is a broad one, one that cannot be shirked. For the home to meet the standard God has set for it, the father must be up and doing at all times and in every way. As a result, fathers must strive to not be a father like Jacob but to be a parent like Elkanah who surrendered Samuel for the use of God as a fulfilment of his wife’s promise. Whereas Jacob had great sorrow for most of his life because of being a good father but a bad parent, Elkanah enjoyed a latter with his favourite wife that was blessed with their hearts desire for many children. An object lesson for fathers.
