By Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel
January 2, 2025.
Nothing comes quite close to how uncomfortable parents feel when compelled to have certain conversations with their children. Yet, these are conversations that need and must be had because as children grow certain hard truths and harsh realities must be brought to their understanding. It is trite to say that the speed at which time slips away and dissipates makes these kinds of conversations creep upon parents and they get jolted into the realisation of how dire the situation has become with them not taking note.
At every epoch in the development of children, certain realities occur for which explanation is required to be given to them. Some of these conversations are fairly easy and straightforward. However, as children grow so does the conversations become less uncomplicated. From the playful, giggly and cuddly stage, awareness increases and more and more the responses to questions children have become increasingly difficult to answer. It is not the answers that are hard to come by but how to couch it such that it does not confuse the children more.
The first and most vital starting point for having a meaningful conversation with children is becoming their friend. Overcoming the hurdle of being the older of the two is often difficult for so many psychological reasons. Making friends with one’s child or children is an important plank of building trust. When conversation is easy between parent and child it becomes easier to break through the age barrier. It is on the parent to from a very early stage draw the children into a relationship that is not just cordial but trusting and open. Being friendly with one’s spouse is a perfect example to children to enable them get close to their parents.
To begin a trusting relationship with children, one that allows them to confide everything to their parents, they have to have the assurance that they can talk about anything that bothers them with their parents and would not be put down for mistakes along the way. This is often a problem for parents because they tend to give in to the propensity to he judgemental. It is important to make children comfortable enough to want to talk. By assuring them that you understand that the topic is not easy to talk about you help them to loosen up.
At this stage it is important that children know that they are being heard. The tendency is for older folks to talk at or down at children. To really get to children they must be made to feel that they are in a conversation and not in an interrogation. Asking leading questions is okay so long as the probing does not overly seem intrusive. When children are asked intrusive questions they are more likely to retreat into a defensive shell. At this stage, it is unlikely that anything beneficial can be gained from the interaction. So, making children feel comfortable requires giving them room to express themselves not as the subordinate participants in the conversation but as a partner in a conversation with equals.
Very crucial once more is not to be judgemental if possible. This is almost always difficult because of the need to rein in some of the more recalcitrant tendencies of children. Maintaining a mien of neutrality whilst being in the parenting mode is key here. This does not take away the place of firmness but chiding a child in a manner that makes them realise their error makes a lot of sense too. Children, especially those who are young adults, can be very sensitive and this sensitivity must be managed carefully.
One of the most difficult conversations to have with children revolves around sex and sexuality. Deciding at what stage to expose children to the realities of life, especially as it relates to the opposite sex, is an important step. Because of the rapidity with which changes occur in children procrastinating for too long is a bad idea. Again, leaving this conversation to others outside the home to have with one’s children may be counterproductive in the long run. It is on the parent to educate their children on the pros and cons of reproduction and reproductive health. Though an uncomfortable topic, it is nevertheless one that must be had because the repercussions of children finding out themselves may not be too good.
Talking with children about certain topics could sometimes be like making a presentation. As is the case with making presentations preparation is key. Parents must get their facts straight in order to forestall the possibility of being embarrassed. Questions will inevitably be asked requiring the correct answers. An I’ll prepared could cause more problems than they solve with inaccurate or inconsistent answers. The best thing is for parents to keep abreast of trends and have the necessary information to give the needed answers to their children’s inquiries.
Being abreast of trends means one can speak in the language children understand. This does not necessarily mean the lingua franca nor does it mean the mother tongue. It rather means the mode of conversation should be one that the children are in contact with outside the home. The children have to be given a sense that the communication outside is not necessarily better than the one at home. When children are well grounded in the type of communication coming from their parents it becomes very difficult for external influences to derail their focus as handed to them from home. Parents therefore need to first be in agreement as to the direction of the family before they can inculcate those values in their children.
One thing that children cherish is confidentiality. For instance, a girl child would feel comfortable with her mother if the fact of her becoming a woman is kept between them. Keeping the confidence of children shows them they are values and trusted. As much as possible, children should be giving first hand information about the running of the home. Financial decisions, planning and distribution of chores, relationships with outsiders and even business and career decisions should be taken with children. Whatever the situation in the home is children should not be excluded. The era of wanting to shield them from challenges is gone. Everything that revolves around the family should be a collective effort. To make relating with children easy, parents must bring them into their plans and share confidences with them.
Having career talk can sometimes be uncomfortable for parents to have with their children. This is so because parents sometimes want their children to take their predetermined career paths. Children may sometimes tow their parents line, but more often than not, they have their own career desires which may not align with what their parents desire for them. Making career choices is a fundamental decision that have life long and life altering implications. Parents have to carefully navigate this very critical and volatile process with their children. Having this talk is one of the most difficult because the feeling and future of the child is involved. Parents must take care not to attempt to enforce their wish on their children as the repercussions could be far reaching.
Aligned to the foregoing is having a conversation about marriage. This can be a thorny issue between parent and child. It is universally acknowledged that parents reach a stage where the role of parents become primarily advisory once they become independent. At this stage the phase of control is gone and the onset of making up their owninds on life choices is reached. Deciding on whom to marry is one such epochal decisions. A conversation in this regard can be fraught with landmines. Being of the realisation that advise is the best they can offer will help parents navigate this phase successfully. Long gone are the days of forcing their choice on their children. Marriage has evolved as society has evolved more and more into the era of individualism. The faster parents factor this into their conversation on marriage choices with their children the easier the conversation will go.
Ultimately, parents who forge a friendship with their children tend to have a more enjoyable and stable relationship with their offsprings. The command and structure home more often than not leads to a fractured relationship. Parents and children have to be bonded in a relationship of mutual respect and friendship. Being friends with one’s children does not mean one is weak or not in control. It is usually a happy home full of laughter and joy where parents are friends with their children. In such homes, the difficult and seemingly uncomfortable conversations come easy by reason of the foundation of camaraderie put in place by the parents.
