By Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel
17 January, 2025.
Choosing to get married is a life altering decision which must be carefully thought out before taking the step. Most marriages fail from the conception stage where the critical decision to tie one’s destiny to another is taken. The reason to marry is often taken for the wrong reasons or careful consideration is not given to the factors that enable the union to thrive and succeed. Paul the Apostle reasoned that “It is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). Paul here appears to be non-committal about marriage but is inherently not. He considers marriage to be:
a) God ordained;
b) limiting to focus on spiritual obligations;
c) a difficulty to to self control; and
d) limiting to spiritual devotion.
Paul generally considered marriage to be an honourable institution, his personal position is however that singleness could be a preferred option for those who wish to be wholly focused on their faith without the encumbrance of filial distractions.
Where most people miss the point is in the motivation for getting married. While marriage is a good and noble estate to be in, a lot of them tend to lose their way after entering into it. Key reasons for feeling they have lost their way include:
i) Shifting priorities. Often, people find after marriage that their focus has shifted from the goals and objectives they set for their lives. This is often as a result of the expanded responsibilities that come with starting a family. The idealised concepts of life they envisioned is shifted because their reality becomes different in their new situation. Having to multitask and micromanage the daily existential priorities gives rise to an awakening to the arduousness of the task they have taken on. As a result, they find that they have to make adjustments to their previous way of life by making allowance for the increased responsibility they have taken on.
ii) Unrealistic expectations. Most people go into marriage with preconceived notions about spouses. The utopian expectation of a perfect life is quickly dispelled as soon as they come to the realisation of the imperfect nature of their partner. Most times the support expected from a partner may not materialise leading to frustration and disappointment. As the burden of having to carry a heavier burden dawns a feeling of being out of their depth creeps in giving way to feeling of betrayed expectation.
iii) Loss of independence. Having to cohabit with someone means less room for continuing to be free to make individual life choices. Marriage imposes obligations which were hitherto not in consideration. There is less time to party, little to no personal time, financial constraint and having to think for more than oneself. Because one now has dependants to cater for there is a limitation on the freedom to do things as one pleases. As space becomes cramped and responsibilities increase, the likelihood of feeling burdened increases.
iv) Lack of self reflection. Singleness gives room for greater introspection and reflection than being in a partnership. Loss of quality time to reflect is a trait shared by married people. This as a result of needing to think not just for oneself but for those in the family they made. Having the luxury of time to deeply reflect on one’s situation and course of action is seriously infringed upon by being married. Lack of opportunities to deeply reflect on a personal level is a common malaise contended with by married people. As a result, feeling lost is often an offshoot of not having the meditative time previously available when single.
v) Poor communication. A corrosive effect of being married which affect a lot of married folks is a gradual degeneration of communication between spouses. Couples tend to become so distracted by the daily grind of keeping the home that they begin to lose touch with each other. As communication becomes strained so does the feeling of being lost become exacerbated. Talking becomes wearisome and distant and loss of things to talk about and be excited about together increases the sense of being strangers in the relationship.
vi) Spiritual degeneration. A clear sign of having lost one’s way in marriage is where spirituality begins to wane. As soon as it becomes tiresome to pray together and engage in spiritual exercises as a family the point has being reached where the family is becoming fragmented. At this point coming home becomes an ardous task.
Losing one’s way after marriage is not a thing to dwell upon till it consumes the relationship. It is at this point, when it becomes clear that there is a problem, that proactive measure should be taken to arrest the slide. Couples will have to be truthful to each other about the state of their marriage. Sitting down to analyse what is going wrong, why things are going wrong and how to arrest the degeneration and cauterise the breach is important. To prevent losing one’s way in marriage it is advised to attempt to do the following:
i) Maintain personal interest in the relationship. People who get married invested in the relationship and would not want to see their investment become a loss. In effect, most people do not consciously desire to lose their marriage and as such would do what is required to sustain it. By maintaining an interest in seeing that the relationship survives and thrives they take a first important step in ensuring the relationship is healthy. As long as there is interest on both sides to make the marriage work chances are that with their combined focus the relationship will not crumble.
ii) Communication is key. Perhaps the most fundamentally important element for a healthy marriage is open communication. Where communication is lacking the relationship is likely to suffer. Therefore, in order for one not to lose their way in marriage, communication between the partners has to be taken with utmost seriousness. They have to engage in a truthful, candid and open manner in order to successfully arrest the cause of their marital problems.
iii) Set boundaries in the relationship. It might surprise that boundaries are a requirement in marriage. It is so because of a need to continue to have mutual respect for each other. Coming from different backgrounds it is clear that character differences due to background and upbringing will be a commentary of their individual lives. And being in marriage does not displace the individual streaks of partners. As such, boundaries help to curb the excesses of encroachment on each other’s space which ha already been limited as a result of their new circumstances. The partners have to have clear lines of delineation that works for their union and are clearly defined for the health of their relationship.
iv) Self awareness and consciousness. Partners have to understand the need for individual identity even in marriage. Both came into the union as individuals with aspirations that have had to mesh. This mesh has to be respected for what it is: an admixture of long held hopes for the kind of life each hopes to live even in marriage. A combination means cooperating on the vital elements of the marriage but not a loss of personal objectives, targets and goals. Couples, therefore, need to support each other’s dreams, respect their individual drive and vision even as a they strive for commonality of their end goal.
v) Be in spiritual alignment. The spiritual alignment in marriage is as important as communication. Paul the apostle likens the relationship between husbands and wives to that between Jesus Christ and His church. The alignment is not merely filial or erotic but one that is inexorably Agape in nature. For couples not to lose the essence of their union, the spiritual side of their relationship has to be of utmost importance. Praying together, fellowshipping together, training the children together helps the marriage to flourish.
Marriage is hard work and staying in an enduring marriage requires that the hard graft to keep it alive is put into it. It is not a job for one person. Where one of the partners is noncommittal or lackadaisical about making the union work loss of interest and despondency sets in. To enjoy rather than endure in marriage is a joint venture of the two involved. Love, though important and a basis, is not enough. Couples have to work hard at ensuring enjoyment of their union rather than having to endure pain, anguish and despondency.
