Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel
Sex is a cardinal element in the process of procreation. Advances in medicine, pharmacology and science generally have somewhat reduced the dependence on sex as the prime means of procreation. Technology has so evolved the world we live in that sex is no longer as important for having children as it used to be. The scope of the process of procreation has expanded exponentially in both the orthodox and new age systems such that increasingly sex is taking the back seat in the entire childbearing process.
In spite of its seemingly reduced importance to childbearing, sex has other equally fundamental uses between married couples. It must be stated from the outset that sexual relations is designed primarily as an activity to be engaged in by married couples only. It is the laxity of the new age that has eroded values to the extent of conditioning the mindset of this generation to view sex as acceptable between any consenting couple. It is this perverse notion that is driving the penchant for loose living and decadence in our society. Less importance is given to the main purposes of sex between couples because those who have no business engaging in sexual activity have taken over the space.
Writing about why people have sex in the Pub Med, Cindy M. Meston et al state that ‘the reason people have sex have been assumed to be few in number and simple in nature – to reproduce, to experience pleasure and to relieve sexual tension’. Reasons for engaging in sexual activities are, however, not limited to these three as their findings conclude. Factors such as the feel good factor, peer pressure, societal pressures and relational reasons can be adduced for having sex. Strangely enough, marriage has been discovered not to necessarily lead to increased sexual relations in some instances. Invariably, sexless marriages, though uncommon, have been known to exist. This phenomenon is difficult for counsellors to explain as very few substantive reasons can be given for getting married if sex is to be off the menu.
The benefits of sex in marriage can not be overemphasised. Sex is a unifier, a part of the bonding ritual between married couples that serves as a glue for the marriage. A couple that engages in sex must, of necessity, bare all. Where nakedness is achieved without self consciousness or shame, an important rubicon is crossed. Asides from this, sex benefits couples in the following ways:
a) Peter Morales-Brown, states in an article in Medical News Today that sex helps some people to preserve their heart health, reduces blood pressure, boosts immune system, reduce prostrate cancer risk, relieves stress and improves sleep. Sex can also improve mood and mental well-being. It must be stated, as the study shows, that the potential benefits of regular sex between couples vary from person to person. Underlying health conditions might set a limit on how much sex couples can have. It is very important to understand and have full knowledge of what is beneficial in the sexual activity and what is not.
b) Lauren F. Winner, author of Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity, propounds a three fold purpose for sex: unitive, procreative and sacramental. The writer explains this three fold purpose as follows:
i) UNITIVE:- sex is meant to unite two people – that is a man and a woman. At the inception of the marriage institution, God made it a relationship strictly between Adam and Eve, male and female. His reasoning for this can be put down to the fact that a polygamous marriage will engender confusion which was exactly what it did when men began to tweak with His master plan for marriage. The tendency for two to unite and three to lead to disharmony is high. Therefore, Christianity believes and has it as a foundational creed that sex is a unitive activity which can foster good and peaceful as well as pleasurable conjugal relationships. The caveat is that harmony and pleasure are lost when it has more than the prescribed one man and one woman in it.
ii) PROCREATIVE:- the primary means of procreation is sex. All other means like invitrofertilisation (IVF), surrogacy or adoption are outside the plan God made for producing progenies. It is man’s inventiveness that led to this medical breakthroughs which are good and commendable. However, sex remains the most basic and time tested means of procreation. As advanced as the other means of procreation are none comes close to the simplicity of sex for producing children. IVF, for instance, is a complicated process that involves an array of intricate chemical manipulations of the ovular and spermiogenic elements of reproduction of the sexes. Even surrogacy involves an even more intricate manipulation than IVF. Adoption, though simple, still involves a mishmash of complicated emotional interplays which do not commend themselves to the true unity of the family unit. Invariably, procreating successfully by the simple and straightforward route of sex is the best of the available options.
iii) SACRAMENTAL:- sex is meant to serve as a reminder of the promise God made to us of His continued presence in our situation and which we pledge to one another as we say our marriage vows– that is that we promise each other fidelity and God’s Spirit promises a presence that will uphold us in our lifelong pledge of faithfulness. Being faithful to ones partner is the cornerstone of marriage. Where infidelity intrudes, trust is lost and bad blood comes in. In the same way, in the spiritual realm sin is a hedge breaker and a separating chasm between us and our loving God. The sacred nature of sex is seen in the scripture at 1Corinthians 6:18 where sexual sin is seen as a sin against the very soul of man. This sacredness makes sex a vital spiritual exercise between a man and a woman which is why such a deep connection is only encouraged between married couples.
So, how can couples enjoy sex with each other? This is vitally important for the health of marriage because dissatisfaction, loss of interest, incapacity as well as infidelity are deal breakers between spouses. To enjoy sex, spouses must be free with each other. Proverbs 5:19 depicts a picture of a couple who are completely uninhibited in their enjoyment of each other. Where there is any inhibition or self consciousness, the relationship has a problem, a fundamental and foundational problem. According to Jennifer Konzen, writing in Enriching Relationships, God has created in men a love for the view of the female body and form. It is something pleasurable and which must however, be enjoyed only in the sanctity of marriage.
Physical intimacy is important to some couples whereas not so much to others, according to Marriage.com as reviewed by Maggie Martinez. No matter the nuances of individuals in a marriage, the physical side to the relationship is extremely important. Marriage counsellors are in agreement that intimacy must of necessity involve touches, glances and innuendo of a sexual nature. In fact, one study concludes that women need a minimum of thirteen meaningful touches everyday to keep them stimulated. To enjoy sex, couples are encouraged to engage in the following activities:
i) Be open about their preferences to their partners. It is often the case, especially with Christian couples, that spouses feel inhibited because of some false notion of spirituality. While spirituality is encouraged, it must be noted that sex itself is a spiritually satisfying experience. Where the desire of one’s partner does not border on the bizarre, nothing should be off limits between them. Granted that sexual orientation is often varying according to preference, as most orientations are wont to be, it is still possible for couples to reach a common ground on how to proceed. They should be free with each other enough to talk about their sexual needs and how to attain them.
ii) Couples must first be lovers. Love is a generic term that encompasses different elements and is composed of many dimensions. Love encompasses passion, romance, compassion, giving, receiving, enduring, forgiving, understanding and so on. To be able to have great sex, couples must have a love that embodies all of the above and more. The combination of all of these elements allows for the stage to be set for enjoyable sex. Of course, doing fun things together, making great memories along their love trajectory helps couples to bond in a love that allows them to be wanton but not unnecessarily debased.
iii) Sex should not be predictable. Predictability in sex often leads to boredom. We have always known about the missionary style which some find really boring. Of course, it is possible that some will find it adequate for their sexual needs but for others, the air of unpredictability about the act is what they crave. Married couples should strive to spice up their sex life by trying things they had hitherto not experienced or done together before. This has the important advantage of keeping the sense of anticipation up. Where the thrill of sex is lost, the spark of the marriage begins to die. To avoid this, couples must keep up the spontaneity in their sex life.
iv) Sex should not be viewed as a duty or as an obligation. Most couples, after living together for a considerable length of time, tend to slide into the mode of obligatory sex. When couples reach this stage, it becomes harder to keep the focus on each other. Seeing sex from the prism of duty or obligation is really bad for the health of the marriage. This is a leading cause of marital infidelity. Partners in a marriage must guard against the slide into not seeing each other in the sexual sense no matter the age of their marriage. They must be able to delineate where family duties and obligations as opposed to enjoyment mesh and separate. As such, obligations such as housekeeping, bills, fees and sundry obligatory items must be separated from the intimacy part of the relationship. While catering for all of the preceding, it is important to not allow the burdens overshadow the sexual and intimacy needs of one’s partner.
v) Couples must understand how to set the stage for great sex. It is important for couples to know the intricacies involved in reaching arousal. Men stand guilty of rushing the sexual act because of impatience more often than not. Also, due to insensitivity to the needs of their wives and a lack of understanding of their physiology, they tend to miss the markers of tuning their spouses. Arousal is often easier for men than it is for women except in exceptional cases of hypersensitivity to touch by the female. As such, men need to learn patience in the game of arousing their partner. Both must find out very quickly the arousal points of the other’s body and try to make them enjoy the act by focussing on those places. In this way, neither partner will feel shortchanged or cheated at the end.
vi) Plan romantic getaways together with no distractions. For couples who already have children this can be challenging. Leaving the children with family, friends or caregivers are options although not perfect ones. What can not be argued against is the benefit of occasionally getting away from the daily grind of work, family and other obligations to hideaway together in cozy freedom for a few days or weeks. Cozying up together without the encumbrance of having to cater for chores helps couples rediscover, reignite and reset their romantic relationship. Taking a vacation is often rejuvenative to romance and sexual relations. In order to remove complacency from their love life, couples should once in a while find opportunity to be away from all the stress and take time to unwind and revel strictly in each other.
vii) Couples must share a strong emotional connection. Emotional intimacy is that feeling that one is in safe shelter with their spouse, that they have a dependable ally when difficulties arise. Deepening emotional connection starts with having meaningful conversations and is broadened by doing fun things together. Being physically attracted to each other is often the first reaction of opposite sexes. More often than not, this attraction fades with time as the aging process sets in. In the intervening period before this deterioration of the physical attributes that attracted in the first place begins to manifest, growing together emotionally is important. There are a lot of things that help couples to connect emotionally. Such things as empathy, giving, helping and sex binds couples together. For this connection to be lifelong, the couple must have a fully developed emotional connection built upon not just empathy, but also on enjoyable love making. While it is not a given that being sexual active will enable a couple to be emotionally in tune, it goes without saying that the act by itself increases the chances of getting to that state. Emotional connection complemented by strong sexual intimacy makes for a strong bond between spouses.
viii) Anger issues must be dealt with as quickly as possible. Some couples deal with quarrels by having make up sex which is good. However, using sex as a salve does not paper over the cracks. Eventually, sex as a make up tool will become blunt and ineffective. There is no doubting that conflicts will almost always arise in relationships of whatever hue, especially marriage. To get over this requires growing up fast. For couples to enjoy their sexual life, they must not allow anger to intrude into their relationship. One of the greatest point of drifting apart is when couples stop having sex and quarreling always aids this step in separation. Being able to eschew anger allows spouses to remain in a love bubble where the sex can remain great all things being equal.
Conclusively, sex, as earlier alluded to, is an activity designed not just for procreation, but also for enjoyment and fellowship. It was, and still is, the main vehicle for bringing children into the world. Equally important in family life is the wonderful attribute of sex to allow for mutual enjoyment by couples. It must be noted that sex is not designed to be engaged in outside marriage or with other people’s spouses. The concept of marriage, having been perverted by the morally bankrupt acceptance of scripturally abhorrent relations, only the pure form of the union between a man and a woman signifies what God intended for sex to achieve. The design of the man and the woman is clearly complementary and even the chromosomes differ in so far as they are required to produce offsprings that will continue the human line.
It is of no surprise that even animals of a much lesser intelligence understand the use of sex because the creation ensured even they had the two genders. They, however, have no concept of this perverted type of sexual relation or orientation that allows strange sexual proclivities whereas man, supposedly of a higher intelligence in the evolutionary ladder, understands sex in a warped sense.
Marriage is a holy estate which man is called into. The fellowship of the unitive, procreative and sacramental aspects of the union is important to the understanding of his place in the earthly scheme of things. Sex is a means of achieving this fellowship which encompasses not just the temporal existence of man but covers also his spiritual dimension in an eventual immortal state. Sex and marriage should ordinarily be inseparable but the distortions and perversions of both concepts have increasingly limited their usefulness as agents and agencies of the will and purpose of God for His glorification. Sex is viewed more and more as a tool of debasement and debauchery instead of being a machinery for enjoyment, unity and glory.
In the final analysis, couples are encouraged to enjoy each other in all areas of their relationships. Doing this will ensure we have homes that are stable and pleasing to God because through the family, His will and purpose will be fulfilled.
Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel
