Marriage is expected to be a wonderful, beautiful and enduring relationship, one that unites people and fosters unity within society. The expectation is that it should be an enjoyable union, not one to be endured. Society and Christianity ingrain in their ethos the spirit of forming marriage relationships essentially to ensure the continuation of their lines and for harmony and peaceful coexistence.
Peace in the home is an integral ingredient for societal progress. Most antisocial behaviours are a result of disharmony on the home front. Where discord exists between couples their children tend to bear the brunt of the conflict. It is important for couples to set good examples for their children.
Increasingly, a worrying trend of abuse is creeping into marital relationships. This has led to ever more incidences of separation and divorce. Some counsellors tend to argue for resolution of differences between couples while others advocate separation where abuse is prevalent. Neither school of thought can be discountenanced because of the sensitive nature of the topic. What is not in contention is the fact that abuse of any sort is not to be condoned under any guise. #Christianitytoday declares that abusers often weaponise spiritual language to cover the abuse. Abusers use psychological weapons to keep in subjection those they abuse. For spouses, a lot of times the abuse begins as subtle innuendo laced with vitriolic language slowly graduating to invectives often combined with moral denouement.
Corinthians 7:10-11 is very clear about couples not being allowed to leave the marriage for trivial reasons. To God, marriage is a very serious commitment that can only be embarked on upon serious reflection because of the immense effect it has on everyone concerned. But marriages break because of a combination of things like abandonment, abuse and intolerance. Which is why the institution of marriage is not one to be embarked upon purely on the basis of erotic feelings. The place of maturity is key on the part of both husband and wife.
Proverbs 18:22 says that finding a wife is a good thing that should open doors of favour for the one who so does. However, getting to the stage of choosing or taking a wife requires maturity. The man is expected to be the head of the home who gives direction to every member. Not being matured enough for the role leads to abdication of the headship position. In marriage, maturity helps couples to wade through the tough times that almost always come up in the course of living together. It also helps couples to overcome negativity along the way.
In Ephesians 4:13, Paul teaches that one grows in maturity through the knowledge of the word of God. In essence, the man who would lead the home and the woman who would complement the man must attain a level of maturity through the word of God that will enable them safely navigate the sometimes murky waters of marriage. Marriage is not just about erotism, perpetuation, procreation, enjoyment and companionship. It is also about dominating the environment, subduing it and making it fit for God’s glory. This can be attained only where there is tranquility, peace and orderliness. And maturedly organizing society in the way of the Lord is the first step.
REASONS WHY COUPLES FIGHT
There are a myriad reasons why couples quarrel. The most difficult areas for couples to manage are finances and attitudinal differences. More often than not, couples find themselves embroiled in conflicts over these and other issues.
i) INTIMACY. 1Corinthians 7:4 tells us that couples belong exclusively to each other. In marriage, a lot of emotional connections have to be made and allowed to develop for the home to be conducive. Intimacy between spouses is integral and extremely important. Intimacy encompasses sexuality, affection, romance, passion and physicality. As couples grow older together, physical intimacy may reduce as a result of cares and responsibilities acquired along the way. The ideal would be for emotional intimacy to take over but for the same reasons couples may find themselves no longer capable of deep emotional connection as age advances. This often leads to quarrels because one or both may feel disregarded.
ii) FINANCE. 1Timothy 5:8 describes the one who does not provide for his home as irresponsible. Home financial management is a crucial part of marriage stability. Increasingly, as a result of economic forces, couples are being forced to co-fund the home. Where one contributes more than the other, in this case especially the wife, tension tends to arise. This situation often arises due to a lack of structure in the relationship on how to plan finances. Quarrels may arise if a partner is not contributing enough commensurate with earning.
iii) COMMUNICATION. Ephesians 4:29. Key to family life is communication. Where the lines of communication are clogged the couple will tend to quarrel. A failure of communication arises out of a lack of understanding between couples right from before marriage. When couples fail to know each other well before getting married the relationship may run into trouble at some point. Points of disagreement not thrashed out before marriage often become flash points after. Communication problems in marriage lead to nagging, contempt and belittling and causes couples to prioritize other things above each other. Some couples allow other things like television, the social media and work to take precedence over their marriage which often leads to serious conflicts.
iv) THE EXTENDED FAMILY AND FRIENDS. Interference from family and friends can be corrosive to family life. Where one or both partners in a marriage fail or refuse to control the influence of family and friends over the relationship there is bound to be problems. It is not always the best to allow relations into the goings on in the marriage. Marriage needs space to blossom and the restrictive influence of overzealous relatives and friends can cause unnecessary conflict. This is not to say relationships outside and before marriage should cease. Not managing them well is what is bad for the health of the union.
v) VERBAL COMMUNICATION. Proverbs 18:21 is of immense help to curb the tendency to be uncouth to ones spouse. Conversation is very important between spouses and usually allows for ventilation of feelings. However, tonal inflection and the decoding of message as passed can be a problem. Using derogatory language with ones partner does not augur well for marriage. Marriage is a combination of characteristics in a compromise agreement to condone each other. Where one or both partners fail to acknowledge the other as a significant part of the marriage problems will show up.
vi) INFIDELITY. 1Corinthians 6:18-20 admonishes that we all flee from sexual immorality. Also, Hebrews 13:4 shows how strongly God detests sexual immorality. Marriages run into trouble because of promiscuity on the part of one or both partners. Quarrels are a constant where infidelity is prevalent. It is clear that most people like monogamy and even in religions where misogyny and polygamy are allowed bickering is usually a consistent fact of married life. No marriage that is plagued with infidelity is tranquil. Bliss takes flight where infidelity reigns.
vii) ABUSE. 2 Samuel 22:49 shows us that God contends with and destroys abusers for the sake of their victims. Abuse is either physical, emotional or psychological. Abuse is usually a very traumatic experience for the partner having to endure it. Every form of abuse is totally bad for marriage and is a leading cause of fracture in marriage. Fatalities have been known to occur as a result of abuse. One misconception that is slowly clearing up is that only men engage in abusive behaviour towards their spouses. Women are now being acknowledged as equally guilty of this crime although that of men is more readily documented.
viii) HOUSEHOLD CHORES. 1Peter 3:7 admonishes couples to help one another always. The debate on who should be responsible for doing what in the home is another source of conflict among couples. Every couple needs structure in there home. This does not have to be restrictive or overbearing. Where a detailed and elaborate plan for home management is not worked out there is bound to be conflict. For newly weds this is an area of early friction. When the burden of household chores is not shared the one burdened will likely react querolously.
ix) FAULTY BACKGROUND. The environment in which some people were raised influences their worldview and how they turn out later in life. Some have very difficult and dysfunctional upbringings and this influences how they relate with people around them. In marriage, they may tend towards abusiveness and quarrelsomeness. This impacts their family life negatively and can be a source of conflict and constant quarreling and fighting in their homes. Bringing up children in such an unhealthy family surrounding can be toxic for how they also make their homes later in life.
x) RAISING CHILDREN. Proverbs 22:6 admonishes parents to train their children in the way of the Lord. Men tend to feel the responsibility for raising children should be the forte of women while they fend for the household. This is an assumption that leads to conflict. The care and upbringing of children is a holistic one that must be undertaken by both parents. One partner shirking their responsibility tends to over stress the other. The stress could lead to lashing out and entering into a defensive mode. Again, a lack of agreement on the modus of upbringing could lead to contention. Whereas one wants to use the stick, the other could prefer the carrot. A lack of compromise and congruence on the best way forward could cause conflict and fighting in the home.
Debbie Mandel reasons that everyone in a relationship argues. She however contends that how loudly screaming occurs or how frequently fights erupt does not predict the outcome of marriage. Research has shown that couples who argue a lot are more likely to stay together. This is because the source of anger has being put into the open and everyone has gotten to ventilate their positions on issues. The problem area with repeated quarreling is the likelihood of dovetailing into abuse. There is no problem with saying ones mind but being intolerant to the extent of physical or other forms of abuse must be condemned.
HOW TO STOP FIGHTING BETWEEN SPOUSES
i) Get angry when the need arises; it is allowed. Not showing anger may embolden the other partner to keep misbehaving. A docile, servile attitude often encourages abuse. This is not an encouragement to become quarrelsome, obstinate or recalcitrant but to push partners to affirmative action, resistance of abusiveness and insistence on being heard and respected.
ii) When the situation is becoming tense a quiet withdrawal from the scene is advised. This does not portray cowardliness but more importantly tactfulness. In dealing with a quarrelsome partner tact is very vital. Leaving the scene as soon as the signs beging to point to a fight helps to diffuse tension. There is nothing manly about staying around for the fight nor is their any titles gained by the woman asserting her right to speak her mind in a volatile situation. A clear head on return usually allows for a better understanding of the points at dispute and brings calm to the home.
iii) Whichever of the couple is at fault should own up to their fault. It is reckless to always assume the position of being in the right. Respecting one’s partner’s point of view is not a sign of weakness but a realization that one is in a partnership where responsibilities are shared. Making allowance for apology breeds harmony and encourages intimacy and communication.
iv) Couples need to be communicative at all times. Being introvert has its limitations in a marriage relationship. Couples must be free enough with each other to be able to talk. They must keep the lines of communication open at all times to stave off distressful arguments. Not talking can be debilitating for marriage. While acknowledging the individuality of each person’s thought process, couples must find commonality in their interests. Shared experiences can serve as a basis of communication between couples. In this respect, taking holiday breaks, doing fun things together, engaging in social activities together and going to fellowship together is advised.
v) Couples must sleep together. This is a bonding ritual that helps couples to get over quarrels easily. Sharing the same living quarters and same bed space engenders a closeness that makes keeping up quarrels difficult. Except for exceptionally querolous people, living in very close proximity tends to help in quickly resolving differences as couples have to relate more often than not. Husbands and wives share an emotional bond that is reinforced by sleeping together. It is easier for them to resolve their issues in the dead of night when they are alone.
vi) Couples should reduce the influence of outsiders in their marital issues. While it is good and advised to have significant persons as advisers and mentors as a couple, it is more expedient to learn from the mistakes of others, take what is useful in their experiences and cut off the bad. More significantly, it is important for couples to make their own mistakes and correct them without allowing themselves to be railroaded into the belief system of those who would destroy their union.
vii) Couples must share the responsibility for keeping the home. One partner not helping out in the household chores is a prerequisite for trouble. In the same vein, every aspect of the upbringing of the children must be shared. Neither of the partners should see themselves as better than the other on the basis of having pecuniary advantage, age or social position. There is no room for class consciousness in marriage.
viii) Trust is the most germane in any marriage relationship. While love is important, where trust is lost there will be disequilibrium in the home. Spouses must show love, give love, relate in love but above all must be trustworthy in the relationship. Infidelity, financial irresponsibility, night crawling and a shady character are attributes that lead to a lack of trust between married couples. Where trust is lacking, quarreling will prevail. To live in harmony couples must trust each other implicitly.
The foregoing highlights the difficulties that fighting couples go through and some solutions to the syndrome. Building enduring relationships in marriage requires maturity and the grace of God. Marriage is hard work, one that couples must be diligent at keeping at. So many exogenous influences rail against the institution of marriage with the aim of derailing it. With hard work, persistence, faith, love, diligence and trust we can all succeed at building enduring relationships with our spouses. There will always be ups and downs but the goal of unity and the pursuit of happiness can be attained with utter reliance on God and belief in the institution.
