By Fasuyi Tolulope Samuel
In today’s society, the number of single mothers—popularly called baby mamas—is steadily rising, especially in Africa.
While some arrive at this reality through failed marriages, others find themselves there due to relationships that never made it to the altar. Yet, beyond the smiles they wear and the strength they show, many of these women admit that finding love again is one of their toughest challenges.
Just last week, I found myself in a heated discussion with friends on this very issue. Their collective opinion was blunt: it is totally wrong for an unmarried man to marry a single mother.
Their reasons were layered with cultural, emotional, and even psychological undertones. Let’s unpack them.
The Ever-Present “First Man”
The first factor they raised was the unavoidable presence of the man who fathered the child. Children act as a permanent bond between a woman and her ex.
That man will always resurface during birthdays, graduations, weddings, and other important milestones. For a new husband, this could feel like an intrusion—almost as though he has to share his wife with another man’s shadow.
Lingering Intimacy Risks
The second point, though sensitive, is equally significant: the possibility of rekindled intimacy. Some men fear that the previous partner might still “have his way” with the woman.
This fear of lingering affection—or worse, secret rendezvous—can discourage potential suitors from committing fully to a baby mama.
Identity Confusion for the Children
Another challenge lies with the children themselves. Some friends argued that it’s awkward when kids call a stepfather uncle, and even more confusing when they eventually start calling him dad.
For the man, there’s a constant reminder that he’s stepping into another man’s shoes, which may feel emotionally uncomfortable. For the kids, too, it creates an identity struggle between loyalty to their biological father and respect for the stepfather.
The Broader Social Stigma
Beyond these points, society itself hasn’t been entirely kind to baby mamas. Many cultures in this part of the world still judge women who have children outside wedlock more harshly than men who father children out of wedlock.
This double standard makes it harder for baby mamas to find men who will see beyond the label and love them genuinely.
A Question Worth Asking
So, is it truly impossible for baby mamas to remarry or find love again? Not at all. Many have remarried and built thriving homes. But the reality is that the journey is steeper for them compared to women without children.
This raises an important question: should society continue to stigmatize single mothers, or should we begin to appreciate the strength it takes to raise children alone while still deserving of companionship and love?
Baby mamas are not defined by their past, and their children should never be seen as baggage. The real challenge is changing the perception of men who see single motherhood as a deal breaker rather than an opportunity to build a family on the foundation of resilience and experience.
Until then, the struggle for acceptance continues.
