by Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel
In the English lexicon divorce means the legal dissolution of marriage. It also means to part ways, part company, to dissociate, cease or break association with someone or a group. The original intention for joining two people, here a man and a woman, together in marriage was for the union to be a lifelong commitment to each other. Divorce is an anomaly that crept into marriage as a result of the inability of men to maintain and manage relationships without encountering shattering conflict.
Doctor Howard Marksman wrote that “How you handle conflict is the single most important predictor of whether your marriage will survive”. The inability to manage conflicts, which inevitably occur in any close association, be it marriage, business or other social interactions, is an increasingly destructive reason for dissolution of partnerships of every hue. Conflict resolution tactics are very crucial tools to have when in a relationship of any kind. Resolving issues through means such as compromise and principled stance is of great advantage to conflict counsellors, in the realm of marriage counselling more so.
Brette Sember states that “the reasons people get divorced are as varied as the reasons they fall in love”. She goes further to identify specifically conflict, infidelity, incompatibility, poor communication and a lack of romantic intimacy as reasons why people get divorced. There is, of course, domestic violence, controlling behaviour, lack of financial transparency, social stratification, interference from family and friends as well as income disparity. According to Brette, of this lot, four most common causes of divorce are identified by studies: lack of commitment, infidelity, too much conflict and arguing and lack of physical intimacy.
Christianity teaches tolerance and good neighbourliness. Which is why divorce is abhorrent in the Christian faith. Couples must first off start as friends before progressing to become intimate. One vital ingredient of marriage is communication. Communication is key in every human relational interaction at whatever level. Dr. Edward Dreyfus, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, states that “Being able to communicate well requires both good transmission skills (articulation) and good receptive skills (listening). Without both, communication will be, at best, difficult”. In effect, living in close proximity, as married couples must be assumed to do, requires communication of a very high degree. Good communication will enable them to be able to tolerate each other’s idiosyncracies, adjust where necessary to their partners needs and compromise where needed for a harmonious family life.
The reasons for divorce can be summarised as follows:
1) Incessant arguing. When spouses have occasion to constantly squabble over small and big issues they tend to drift apart emotionally. Continuously being in a state of anger, not being in agreement and needing to win arguments are things that cause serious rift between couples. Without swiftly resolving differences, couples might get to a point where their differences become irreconcilable.
2) Marrying too early. Early marriage has its advantages but the drawbacks are equally detrimental to harmonious living. Immaturity is a cause of conflict amongst newly married couples. There are a lot of variables that need to be resolved before going into married life. When those things are not on ground before marriage, early separation is often the consequence. Before contemplating marriage, the intending need to understand the basics and the intricacies of living with another person. Also, there is a need for aspiring young people to live before they think of marriage. The various experiences that mold one’s behaviour must be grasped before venturing into marriage. A lack of this kind of life lesson and experience could cause an early collapse of marriage.
3) Domestic violence and abuse. Violence is a very big cause of divorce. Domestic violence is becoming increasingly prevalent in marriages leading to separation and dissolution. It must be understood that while abuse is more predominantly against women, women have been known to abuse men too. Abuse can be both psychological and physical. The psychological abuse mostly leads to mental health challenges while physical abuse is a leading cause of marital fatality and bodily harm. Another type of abuse is depriving one’s spouse, not providing for the home and being financially profilgate. 1 Timothy 5:8 describes a man who can not or who fails to care and provide for his home as worse than an infidel. In essence, a person who doesn’t take care of the home, whether the man or the woman, has given grounds for divorce. All of these lead to divorce.
4) Lack of romantic intimacy. Emotional detachment between married couples more often than not leads to romantic detachment. When physical intimacy and romantic chemistry stop between couples and the spark flames out, couples often feel distant from each other. Romance is very important between couples, as important as communication. The inability to be playful, carefree and wanton with each other can make couples decide to end the marriage. Scripture says a man should love and care for his wife and the wife should be humble towards her husband (Ephesians 5:25-29). This intimacy, compared to the love of Jesus for the church, is a spiritual relationship that is deeply ingrained in the marriage relationship. Where this is missing, divorce could be a consequential reaction.
5) Overburdening one spouse with chores and responsibilities. Household chores ought to be shared between spouses. Men are guilty in the main of viewing household chores as a woman’s duty. 1Peter3:7 teaches differently. Men must be considerate and helpful to their wives. This is a leading cause of friction because when the woman becomes overburdened, she may tend to lash out. Conversely, when a man is burdened with taking care of the responsibilities of keeping the home without sufficient help from the wife, he might feel unduly saddled. The capacity to balance the duties and obligations in the home is important. As a result of the new world economic and social order where everyone has to pitch in, those spouses who refuse or are reticent to help out in the running of the home make their partners get frustrated. This is another reason some give for seeking for divorce.
6) Incompatibility. Lack of shared interests can make couples decide to leave the marriage. Marriage between couples with differing social interests can be problematic. Where one is vivacious and outgoing while the other is introverted if not carefully managed separation might occur. Incompatibility of interests makes some couples lose interest in each other.
7) Religious differences. A lot of problems arise in marriage when spouses are from different religions. Couples in this kind of marriage often discover too late that love is not enough. Interreligious marriages have been known to survive, some even happily. The problem, however, has to do with relatives, friends and colleagues on both sides. Interference and needless feedback often leads to friction in such homes. Bible warns believers to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). However, Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7:13-14, says that being married to an unbelieving spouse should not be the basis of divorce. Invariably, while religious differences can be a cause of divorce, if carefully managed such a marriage could survive. It still is a basis of many marriages ending prematurely.
8) Differences in background and upbringing. Sometimes, differences in upbringing can lead to separation. Where there are differences in class, wealth and education the possibility of divorce is increased. There is the likelihood of disrespect creeping in as a result of class and pecuniary differences. Most crashed marriages of this nature end because of irreconcilable social and behavioural differences. When there is a disparity in social standing and an attendant lack of deep rooted love and forebearance as well as a penchant to be prideful and lacking humility, the union becomes toxic. The disadvantaged spouse more likely than not would feel overwhelmed and disconnected. A lot of marriages break as a result of this maladjusted situation. This is especially the case with hypergamous marriages. Using marriage to climb the social ladder is a precursor to endless crisis and possible divorce.
9) Addiction. The problem of addiction is one that is understated and oversimplified in reasoning out why marriages break. There is a universal acknowledgement of this sickness being the cause of separation between married couples but not the specific sickness in specific cases. Most people look at addiction from the prism of alcoholism, drugs and smoking. Much more insidious is sex addiction. Sex addicts cause their partners deep emotional, psychological and physical pain as do other kinds of addicts. Addiction of whatever type or in whatever form causes pain and anguish which can and does cause marriages to end.
10) Infidelity. Unfaithfulness is a common cause of divorce in this day and age. When a spouse catches their partner in adultery the feeling of hurt and betrayal is often too much to overcome. Malachi 2:14 speaks of the treachery of a partner in a marriage between spouses where God was a witness at the commencement of the union. This is an acknowledgement by God himself of how hurtful unfaithfulness can be. Unfaithfulness is reason for love to fade because trust is lost in the relationship.
11) Distance caused by occupation of spouses. Increasingly, family life is being disrupted because of the migratory nature of jobs, work and occupations. Jobs are taking spouses away from each other more and more in this increasingly high-tech world. In spite of the bridges of Information Technology, people are having to migrate to far flung places to find good remunerative employment and business. As a result, strains appear in marriage because of distance and lack of proximal closeness. The ravages of occupational debilitation of marriage is rising at an alarming rate which the economics of finding good paying employment exacerbates.
In spite of the foregoing, marriage as an institution needs to be saved. In the plan of God marriage is very central because it is through it that the earth would be filled, subjugated and His dominion established forever. To this end, God is interested in the institution of marriage because He is so deeply invested in it. Ephesians 5:22-27 shows how connected to and involved God is in the marriage relationship. The Eagle Family Ministries states that God instituted marriage for three main purposes: companionship, procreation and redemption. They go further to say that “God designed marriage so that man and woman could come together and be saved from their sin. When man and woman come together in holy matrimony, they commit to God’s plan for their lives. This plan includes raising children in a God fearing home and helping each other to stay on the path to salvation”. Everything about marriage from inception was to glorify God and redeem man to Himself.
We must note at this juncture that the plan for marriage is between a man and a woman. There is no intent or intention for any other form of marriage be it same sex or polygamy. Romans 1:16-32 talks extensively about the perversion of God’s plan for sexual relations by reprobate minds and the just recompense for the sin of homosexuality; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 is clear that those who engage in sexual perversion will be excluded from God’s presence; and Proverbs 5:18-19 admonishes men (and women) to remain faithful to their partners always.
Again, the bible teaches that God hates divorce but does not say specifically that He does not allow it. Malachi 2 15-16 gives us an insight into God’s mind with respect to divorce: He hates it. It is a dangerous thing to insist on what God so profoundly says He hates. Hebrews 10:31 says “it is a fearful and terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God and incur His judgement and wrath”. Divorce is a detestable thing in the sight of God, as detestable as perversion of the marriage institution.
But when is it permissible to leave a marriage? Bible specifically mentions a few. These include for lack of care, treachery and infidelity, and for abusive behaviour. These are essentially the biblical standard for allowing divorce. The most serious and concerning one is abusive behaviour. While acknowledging that none is unimportant when considering whether to remain married or not, special consideration is given to abuse and domestic violence because of the fatalities that have occured in the recent times.
Domestic violence is being taken very seriously because many deaths have occurred as a result. When a relationship dove tails into violence, the sensible response is to leave at the earliest. All violence is considered a sin in scriptures. Psalms 11; Proverbs 3 and 10 all describe violent behaviour as detestable and wicked before God, especially violence towards women. Physical or psychological abuse of a partner should not be tolerated. Got Questions advises anyone in this type of situation to as quickly as possible find a safe place. Where children are involved they should also be removed from such an environment. There is nothing unbiblical about separating from an abusive and violent spouse.
1 Corinthians 7:15 states that a believer can leave an unbelieving spouse while Matthew 5:32 mentions adultery as the other ground for divorce. However, abandonment and abuse, while not specifically mentioned in scriptures, are implied as grounds for leaving a marriage. 1Timothy 5:8 mentioned earlier makes it an imperative for spousal care to be paramount in a marriage. Abandonment is not just about physical unavailability, it goes further to mean emotional unavailability, lack of intimacy and uninterestedness in the welfare and well being of the partner.
For separation caused by abusive behaviour, reconciliation with an abuser must be entirely contingent on acceptance of fault, acceptance to work in therapy and counselling to cure the sickness and evidence of a change in attitude. For abusers there is always the chance of relapse and so care must be taken before deciding to remain in the marriage, return to the marriage or the mode of ending things when opportunity to act is still available. Being a believer does not equate to being reckless. The bible does not teach that.
It must be noted that getting divorced does not make an abused person a sinner. Men and women of God have been known to seek for and get divorce. Joyce Meyer, Kenneth Copeland, Fred Hammond and Donnie McClurkin, to mention a few, divorced and remarried (exception being Fred Hammond). Their situation did not stop their ministries for God. For whatever reason or reasons these giants of the faith decided to divorce and remarry, it may be for the betterment of their God given assignments. In essence, getting divorced, though not the plan of God for marriage, may actually work to fulfill His plan. It all depends on where the fault comes from and the severity of what led to it.
In the final analysis, divorce is an antithesis of marriage. Marriage has evolved over time and what was permissible or tolerable centuries, even decades, ago do not apply anymore. The culture of marriage has change drastically such that society has had to acknowledge that marriage should not be seen as do-or-die. The time to guard against the eventuality of divorce is during courtship when the red flags that serve as pointers to problems down the line should have been observed. After marriage, to divorce or not should be a straightforward exercise given the limited scope for maneuver given by the scriptures.
The flippancy with which people get divorced is a pointer to the decadence of the age in which we find ourselves. Gone are the days when getting divorced was frowned upon and being abusive towards one’s spouse was a stigma no real man or woman wanted attached to them. The opprobrium with which society treated people who misbehaved to the extent of ending their marriages was enough deterrence to not contemplate it. On the flip side, accepting to remain in an abusive relationship for vague and opaque religious and societal reasons is no longer the accepted norm.
The conclusion is to lay a Godly foundation for marriage. Marrying for the sake of marrying, for love or simply for procreation is not enough. One must look to find their companion with whom they can raise Godly children as they journey together on the path to redemption and salvation.
Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel.
13 October, 2024.
