MANAGING LONG DISTANCE IN MARRIAGE

By Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel

15th September, 2024

The world has become an incredibly small place. Where people used to live in close proximity to one another, the evolution of industry, economy, information technology and means of travel have reduced the world space to a global village. So much distance is covered within a span that was beyond comprehension a short few centuries, even decades, ago. The rapidity of human development, especially in the area of technology, has meant that things which were hitherto thought impossible have come within easy reach.

The world economy has become so close knit that occupations and vocations are no longer limited by time and/or space. It is commonplace now to see people working and/or doing business in very distant places. This has enabled migration of skilled and unskilled labour from one point to another in the world. The interdependence and interrelatedness of economic agents makes movement of factors of production seamless and expedient to the new age world economy.

Arising from this new found energy in industry is the effective jettisoning of long held ideas about relationships. Things have become essentially fluid in terms of how units within the social system coalesce and coagulate. And so, things previously taken for granted like communal living have been dumped in the annals of obsolescence to be replaced by individualism and a sense of lack of need for too much socialism. People no longer see relational issues in the same light as they did say a century ago. And at the base of this is pecuniary considerstions of living the kind of life one desires given the modern trend in lifestyles.

The social effects of the migratory elements of occupation are felt deeply within family units. The dislocation and dislodgement of families has meant that a lot of dysfuntionalities have crept into family life and living. The predilection to make money and more money to assuage the need for status balancing and upgrades is eating into the very fabric of the family as a social unit. The conundrum has increasingly been how to balance the need for self elevation in career as juxtaposed against the health of marriages and, by extension, the family as a unit of society.

Because couples are being increasingly forced and compelled to seek career progress and promotion, the need to reside apart is an unstoppable phenomenon in this day and age. Long distance relationships, LDR to some writers, is a situation where two people in a relationship, in this case a marriage relationship, are separated geographically. It must be pointed out that going away or living far from one’s spouse and family for reasons of occupation or study, is not a modern trend but one that has been from time immemorial. Experts adduce reasons for this to include job requirements and military deployments. These reasons have always been with man especially for those who engage in seasonal occupations, weather controlled vocations and war or conflict as in the case of military types.

The foregoing often leads to differing assumptions about the benefits or lack of benefits of long distance relationships. The truth is that long distance relationships, especially in marriage, are fraught with dangers and landmines. The health of the relationship between spouses can easily be compromised if serious care is not taken to be watchful. Vigilance is the overriding consideration because of the tendency to drift off course when out of sight of each other. So many extenuating circumstances come into play when one is alone away from loved ones. The true test of character is put on trial at such critical times.

Long distance can benefit marriage relationships greatly if carefully managed. Some of the benefits include but are not limited to the following:

1) It defines true love. Being apart grows a feeling of need and hunger for each other. Being constantly together may lead to not seeing the important side of one’s partner unlike the way absence helps couples to understand the role they play in each others lives. Absence often leads to craving for each other due to the prolonged span of being apart.

2) It tests faithfulness. Not engaging in promiscuous dalliances when away from one’s partner is very difficult especially for those not of the Christian persuasion. There is so much to distract one’s focus and commitment. But aside from infidelity, we also have unfaithfulness in terms of financial trustworthiness. Couples mostly grapple with these two forms of unfaithfulness and any relationship that can survive both is likely to be an enduring one.

3) It helps couples to value each other. Mutual respect is a cornerstone of marital relationships. The value one places on the relationship is a function of how couples respond to each other behaviourally. How couples perceive each other and how valuable they comprehend their relationship to be is a determining factor as to how stable and safe they feel when the partner is away often.

4) It helps couples build a solid communication system. Distance enhances the need for communication flow between spouses. In every relationship communication is key and this is especially so with long distance marital relationships. To keep up with each other couples must of necessity construct a communication strategy that helps them bridge the distance barrier.

5) It helps couples value each others presence. Absence should ordinarily cause couples to long to see each other. It is difficult enough having to part but the most difficult area of adjustment is the lack of physical contact. Marriage psychologists recommend that a woman should be touched by her spouse at least thirteen meaningful times a day. This, they say, creates an affinity that enables the couple bond more effectively. In effect, a scenario where a partner is away the longing for them to come back as soon as possible heightens the senses of expectation.

6) It helps build endurance. It is tough enough that one has to endure relearning how to live alone but having to curb the erotic and sensual side of one’s being is more difficult. Mastering emotional and physical control while away from one’s partner is an attribute that living alone helps one to acquire. Overcoming temptation to give in to the baser sides of one’s nature while living away from the spouse encourages one to engage in activities that divert attention away from such temptations.

So, what could be reasoned as the disadvantages of long distance marriage relationships? Of course, if it can be helped, it is not advisable for couples to live apart. But, as enunciated earlier, the world system and occupational patterns make it impossible for every couple to live together permanently. The downsides to this state of affairs are multifarious.

1) A lack of physical closeness. Romance and passion are fundamental to the health of marriage. Where romance is lacking in a marriage, contact becomes limited and limited contact creates distance and likely disaffection. Long distance relationships, whether marriage or courtship, do not help couples to engrain the bonding part of the ritual of connecting at a romantic and passionate level. Without regular physical contact maintaining a profound physical bond becomes impossible.

2) Long distance creates vacuums in marriages and courtships. Regular texting, calling on the phone and video calling may help a bit but do not and cannot fill the void created by distance. The likelihood of boredom setting in is higher. This kind of situation is fraught with danger because temptations of different hues come into sharper relief. The possibility of break up is increased as a result.

3) Communication problems. Mary Polanski writes that ‘when there is a lack of communication then relationships die’. This is true because the inability to communicate effectively leads to misunderstanding and misreading signals from each other. Distance creates less time for couples to communicate and talk things through. In distant relationships communication needs to be a two-way thing. Where communication is one-sided the relationship is likely to break.

3) Loneliness. This is one of the toughest difficulties to overcome when in a long distance marital relationship. Loneliness leads more often than not to brooding, lack of trust and even betrayal of vows. Loneliness also leads to loss of interest in one’s partner. The feeling of insecurity associated with being away from one’s partner enhances the lonely state they are left in.

4) Difficulty in keeping up. It is usually difficult to keep communication schedules up due to restrictions placed on each other’s time. Scheduling appointments for being together on video calls or even voice calls could be limited by time zones and work schedules. This breaks down the communication process leading to strains on the relationship.

5) Becoming less in tandem. Distance cause a dysfunctional situation where couples who are not properly bonded find less and less things to talk about, less and less commonality in their relationship and, by extension, less and less reasons to talk. When couples begin to strain to keep up conversation alarm bells have started ringing. A serious drawback of long distance relationships is the increasing difficulty of keeping up meaningful conversations. The moment conversation becomes strained couples must realise their relationship is in trouble and in dire need of help or rejigging.

6) Commitment begins to lag after a while. Long distance relationships require a lot of hard work to make them work and function well. Commitment to making it work must be a two-way thing. When the effort to breathe life into the relationship becomes one-sided, the strain on the one fighting for it may affect their commitment to the cause. Not committing fully to making a long distance marriage work often leads to waning of mutual feelings and love tends to evaporate.

Tyler Conzone, coordinator of Gender Violence Prevention, writes that ‘long distance relationships, like any other (human interactive relationship), require proper care to thrive’. He stresses that ‘healthy relationships are key to your emotional and mental well-being, especially when there is time and space between you and your partner’. Time and space creates a vacuum that must be filled. The inability to do this adversely affects relationships whether in marriage, courtship or business. Invariably, couples must find a way to overcome the distance challenge in their relationships. To do this, couples could try these suggested steps:

i) Make communication the cornerstone of their relationship. The prime place of communication can never be overemphasised in relationships whether long distanced or short distanced. Couples must ventilate whatever needs to be dealt with openly and with love. The moment restrictions and no-go areas are created in conversations between couples strains will begin to appear. Also, no matter how tight their schedules, couples must create time for each other. Absolutely nothing must intrude into their together time. As such, they must schedule a time that works for both of them taking into account all the variables and elements that must mesh for them to be undisturbed. And in doing this, the children should be carried along if any have been produced.

ii) It is important in a long distance relationship that couples vocalise their true feelings for each other. Feeling restrained or constrained signals an underlying problem. Couples in a long distance relationship must have the liberty with each other to be able to express their deep felt appreciation of being with their partner in spite of the distance that separates them. Their love should be able to transcend the distance. Therefore, expressing verbally the true nature of their love is highly recommended.

iii) Distance must not be allowed to take away fellowship from their relationship. Marriage is the first form of fellowship known to man and is the foundation of the belief system of the home. Spouses in long distance relationships need to encourage each other constantly to keep the faith. It is tough enough having to fend for one’s self alone having tasted the delights of being with the one you love. Fellowship serves the purpose of giving assurance of fidelity to the loved one far away. Where the couple already started a family, it is a big help to do this with the children. This helps family bonding a lot.

iv) Make plans together. No matter how far apart spouses are, distance should not stop them from making plans for their future and their family. This creates a feeling of belonging, an attachment to shared values and a recognition of mutually created obligations. Plans should include the proper upbringing of children, financial planning, structural and physical development planning and holiday planning. These are essential to give structure and direction to the family and relationship even though they are apart. It also fosters a feeling of belonging and usefulness.

v) Plan dates with your spouse even though you are both at different ends of the world. This has the advantage of giving spontaneity to your relationship. Long distance relationships do not only have to be about talk all the time. It is important to create a fun environment in your conversations and communications. Planning a dinner date while online or a walk together, movie night, how-your-day-went dates, read a book date and such things help to keep the anticipation levels up. Tyler Conzone opines that ‘by finding excitement and intimacy in your long distance relationship, you can learn more about yourself and your partner and find more to love about them’.

vi) Couples must do an honest appraisal of their relationship to guage the level they are at and try to discover things that distance may have taken away from or added positively or negatively to them as a couple. Couples miss this key component of maintaining normalcy in their relationship even though they are a far distance apart. Relationship evaluation is important at every point of a marriage. Knowing when the relationship is thriving and when it is waning or struggling is important, even more so in long distance relationships. If there is need for therapy, counselling, reigniting the fire of love or renewing the commitment this appraisal and evaluation will show it.

vii) Couples in long distance relationships must pray together constantly. Above every other consideration for keeping the relationship healthy, praying together as couples and families is as important a bonding ritual as any other. Family members in a long distance relationship have to recognise the pivotal and vital place of prayer and faith in God to the health of their relationship. Praying together coupled with studying the word of God together helps to maintain and strengthen the bond between couples. A diaspora based spouse who knows he/she has family praying for them has an assurance that he is safe in his relationship. Prayer is an important cornerstone of maintaining the trust and faith of one’s spouse.

viii) Long distance relationships need to feed on trust. Spouses need to give each other assurance constantly that their relationship is in a safe place despite the distance. Constantly showing concern, caring for each other, supporting each other financially, spiritually and emotionally, providing and empathising helps to keep trust alive. Loss of trust is a decided killer of relationships whether proximal or distant. Giving one’s spouse assurances that they are safe in the relationship is helpful even when distance is an impediment.

Long distance relationships can be incredibly fun relationships provided healthy behaviour permeates the union. Choices made have to take into consideration the feelings of the absent partner. In this era of smart phones, keeping up is a lot easier and a lot more than when the world was analog. While long distance relationships have advantages and disadvantages, couples must weigh carefully how to navigate the grey areas. Jenni Jacobson, a licensed clinical social worker, writing in mrraiage.com, opines that if spouses cannot overcome some of the problems with long distance relationships such as trust issues and loneliness, a more conventional relationship model may be more advisable and ideal.

While her assertion makes a bit of sense, the reality is that this works better for those who are in courtships or in more loose relationships. For Christian marriages where separation is not really an easy option to explore, working round the challenges is more advisable. Since long distance marriage relationships are usually for a limited period, making the best of the constraints is focal. The reality of our increasingly evolving world is that going away for various reasons cannot be reversed. Every facet of our existence is affected by trends in occupations which means that we all have dynamic choices to make to retain a semblance of normalcy in our daily lives. Families have also had to evolve to keep in tune with the migratory nature of modern life.

Jenni Jacobson concludes poignantly that ‘the disadvantages of long distance relationships may be tolerable until you can be in close proximity again’. Determination to make the best use of an uncomfortable but time bound situation is the solution. With commitment, focus, trust and prayer spouses in long distance relationships can survive the rigours of maintaining their family life and remaining fully bonded to their soulmates.

Ezra Ayokanmi Emmanuel.

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